Starblast.

I don't know

2012-01-16T01:58:00.001-05:00

how I ever got so lucky.

If I believe everything is okay, it is.

2012-01-12T02:22:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if there’s any rhyme or reason to life.

I find myself seeing destiny or poetry in my own life and in the lives of people around me.

And I ask myself if I’m imagining these things to make my life feel more relevant or if there really are some unseen forces at work here.

My former self scoffs at these thoughts. How silly of me to think that there is any relevance in the way things unfold. How naïve of me to believe in anything but fact, and the randomness of the universe.

Karma, it seems like a nice enough idea. It would be nice if things truly worked this way. Idealistic. That’s what I would have said.

Now something strange is happening to me. Hope creeped up on me and saved my life. &for a long time that’s all it was. Hope filled up my heart and made being alive feel so much better. And now my heart is opened to much more. I’m finding myself truly believing in things I never thought I would understand or even accept as real. It scares me.

And I’m going back and forth all the time.

It feels so good to believe in fate. To believe that things happen for a reason. To trust that things will all work out for the best as long as I have faith in myself.

And sometimes the world feels so right, and sometimes I’m so happy. A happiness I’ve never felt before. Like I’m right where I’m supposed to be, doing exactly the things I was meant to do. And it feels so wonderful to be me sometimes. I’m happier than I’ve ever been.

And sometimes the dark creeps over me and I feel so realistic. I’ve said it a million times. Or at least I’ve thought it. Repeating over and over in my head, and weighing me down. “Reality is crippling.”

If I believe everything is okay, it is.

If I believe that I’m happy, I am.

If I believe that I’m doing the right thing, it never hurts.

But sometimes I lose it. I lose the hope. And the faith. And the will to take chances with my heart.

And I’m back in the dark.

Expectations&Insecurities

2012-01-10T15:35:00.001-05:00

Mass murderers of relationships all over the world.

It is now

2012-01-07T20:43:00.001-05:00

Incredibly easy to post a blog from my phone.

That's right kids, I have an iPhone. Excite.
Maybe now I will blog more often, although I doubt it.
I'm just increasingly uncomfortable posting online about my personal life/feelings. I guess all I really have to say is that I'm genuinely happy.

Things my roommate says

2011-12-18T22:18:00.002-05:00

My new tumblr.

I'm going to write a book

2011-12-06T03:14:00.002-05:00

called,

"All the shitty things guys did to me.
(and how it had absolutely no contribution to my success) "

Starting to get some balance back.

2011-10-06T02:16:00.000-04:00

Since everyone is speaking up today and vlogging, it reminded me that I have a blog. Which I’ve clearly been neglecting. Vlogging could never be my thing. I am much more articulate in writing.

Life has been good. I don’t really have much to complain about. I mean, I could complain fairly easily but when I step back and look at the situation I realize that I really am in a better, happier place right now.

Looking back on the past 6 or 7 years of my life is pretty interesting because I see myself going from being a 14 year old girl who always always always thought with her heart to a 16 year old girl who started to rely on logic more than emotion, to an 18 year old who totally wrote off emotion all together and replaced it with rationality. And that’s how I’ve been living for the past three years. Keeping up appearances and remaining calm and rational as often as I possibly can. Always banking on what my mind tells me instead of my heart. Not to say that I’ve never slipped up and let my emotions get the best of me, because of course they have. But I’ve placed logic so much higher than my feelings these past few years.

I finally feel like I’m coming down from that extreme. Starting to get some balance back. Learning to trust new people, and letting my feelings influence my actions. It feels good. I feel like I’m reuniting with a part of my identity that I haven’t felt in a really long time. For the first time in a long time I feel like I don’t have to constantly be thinking about everything.

Do I believe in providence?

2011-09-18T20:10:00.000-04:00

That's a question to be explored.

I think that maybe it's possible,

2011-08-29T03:41:00.000-04:00

that I'm actually pretty happy.

&maybe that I think too much.

Regardless, I still can't sleep. Staying up late thinking.
&I guess what I'm thinking is that things could be worse, much worse.
In fact, they were. For a really long time. &now I can finally breathe again.

Dramatic sounding, but true.

Well okay.

2011-08-22T22:14:00.002-04:00

I am thoroughly confused.

&no amount of good or bad advice is going to change that.

Leafy Greens,

2011-08-17T14:01:00.002-04:00

are all I want to eat. That's code for the fact that I am constantly craving Zalad!

So here is my insomnia movie marathon movie reviews:

Bad Teacher: was fucking hilarious. I'll probably watch it again when I'm wide-awake.

Last Night: was depressing. Like, really fucking depressing. But also really good. I hate that. Because now I'll want to watch it again despite it being, well, depressing.

Apparently,

2011-08-16T23:04:00.000-04:00

The reason behind my loss of appetite, general bad mood, and extremely cold feet could be anemia.

So I ate some pickles and took my flinstone vitamins, feeling better already.
=)

You ever feel like...

2011-08-16T02:08:00.002-04:00

You deserve a lot of emotional pain

for all the emotional pain you've indirectly caused by merely existing?

Yep, that's me right now. Don't jump down my throat, because I'm aware it doesn't make a drop of sense. But that's one of the weird places I see balance where I shouldn't.

crippled by guilt today.
can't eat a thing.
perhaps I am also legitimately sick.

Fuck birth control. (Not really, thanks for keeping me alive.)

UPDATE: still can't fall asleep. Fuck my life.

I care too damn much, always have.
&you know what? It's debatable whether or not it's a good or bad thing.

It is however, a defining aspect of who I am.
and will always be a cause of heartache.

Wish I could be friends with everyone. But you know what? I guess I can't.

This week, I guess it's a bad thing. Next week, it could be my saving grace.
We take what we get, and love our friends the best we can. (even if they're shit sometimes)

There has to be a reason why it seems like I care so much more.
What's that about Ben Franklin? When is that gonna come in handy instead of breaking my heart?

Trust. Trust. Trust. That there is a reason.
Oh goodness, trusting has never been my strongest suit.

Ramblings of an insomniac. About losing friends. And consciously deciding to let them stay lost everyday.

On the plus side, I did not cuss out the lady at the Mcdonald's drive through... again.

I reiterate: fuck birth control.
(but of course not really, because I like not dying.)

I really should have been a dude..

2011-08-14T16:48:00.000-04:00

Because I really hate the majority of women. And aside from being overly-emotional at times, I really don’t feel like I have much in common with them most of the time. But you know, we all see ourselves like that I guess. I just get really sick of people making assumptions about me without even knowing me.

PSA: you are not better than me.

I’m not saying I am better than anyone else either, but Jesus! Having a boyfriend, or a husband, or a fiancé does NOT in any fashion make you better than me. Or any other single girl in the world for that matter. It’s always, and I use the word always liberally, one of two things. Either, “OMG! You just wait, you are gonna find the perfect guy. I know, because I did, and I know you will too! You just have to wait and be patient. You’ll see.” Okay, condescend much? Seriously, were you dead before you got a boyfriend? Because that’s sure what it sounds like. Or my personal favorite, when everyone assumes that I am doing, or trying to do their boyfriend. Are you fucking kidding me?! First of all, if I was, I never understand why girls always get mad at the other girl. Of course, there is some blame to be placed there. I am the first to admit that. But Jesus, It’s your fucking boyfriend’s responsibility to not cheat on you! So you spend all this time calling a girl a whore when all she did was something kind of shitty, when you have this guy sitting here who has betrayed your trust and destroyed your relationship but you take it out on her?! Really?! I just get so fucking sick of people acting like guys don’t have control over their actions. That’s the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard. And if you don’t respect yourself enough to wait for a guy that “can control himself” then I guess you get what you ask for. Cheated on. But you know what, that’s okay because you can just blame that raunchy whore that seduced him. Maybe then you can sleep at night. And secondly, you don’t fucking know me. I am a good person. I try actively to be a good person at all times, and for people to just assume that because I am friends with a guy and I don’t have a boyfriend that I am trying to fuck them is really fucking offensive. Seriously, go fuck yourself.

I know both sides of this story because I was the girl that perpetually had a boyfriend for a really long time. And now I’m the girl who is perpetually single. And I can tell you with one-hundred percent certainty that I am a much better person now than I was then. And I have never been treated more like a terrible person than I have in the past three years.

All I can really say is, Go fuck yourself.

I was a teenage werewolf, doing the best that I can.

2011-08-12T00:27:00.000-04:00

Staying up late because I can’t sleep again. Trying to update my blog more often but I rarely have much to say. My mind is occupied. I’m trying to decide if everything happens for a reason or if this is all just random. I do like to think there is a plan. Are the things that happen to us meant to happen? Questions that I have no answer for. Questions that don’t seem like they have answers. So the effect being me not having much to write about.

Well, I am officially 21. I am still getting used to the fact that I can buy my own beer. It’s nice, although I haven’t been drinking as much lately as I have in the past. But yay! No more exciting birthdays for me. Although judgment on whether or not it was a good birthday is pending considering my party isn’t for another week. I am super excited because a bunch of people that I haven’t seen in a while will be in town for my party. I love hanging out with old friends.

I am ready for class to start back, I’m bored.

I played my only card.

2011-08-04T03:21:00.001-04:00

I'm out.

Blog Post. Go.

2011-07-27T07:20:00.000-04:00

God or Ben Franklin or whoever. You keep me functioning. You keep me happy and you keep me sane. So, hey, thanks for that.

I’m pretty calm, I’m pretty happy, and I’m pretty relieved.

Also, I’m sad.

&that’s all I’ll say on my emotional state.

Life. Well, it’s fucking boring at the moment. Laying in bed all day, looking forward to any and every opportunity to get the fuck out of this apartment without having to spend money.

Ready. For school to start back. For all my friends to be in town. To finally be 21 and be able to just buy a fucking drink for myself. To go back to Mexico. &to write a song that doesn’t suck ass.

So over. Being friends with people who don’t care. Being drunk. Uno. Trying to act like I trust anyone. (except Stella) Curling my hair. Eating ramen. Sleeping past 2:30.

So happy. Because this summer rocked. I have awesome friends, old and new. I like google+. I’m smart. My roommates are funny. & I’m in a fucking rock band.

My hair is awesome.

I should go to bed. Maybe I’ll make Vanessa breakfast.

Blog Post. Finished.

Stay up as long as possible.

2011-07-27T04:27:00.002-04:00

So I can sleep as long as possible.

Yep, that's the plan.

Priceless.

2011-07-17T22:15:00.002-04:00

I don't know how July could ever compete.

2011-07-10T01:18:00.000-04:00

It’s been a hot minute since I have blogged. Well let’s see, what have I been up to? Well I guess the most obvious thing is that I went to Mexico. I absolutely loved it. I don’t think I have ever had such an exciting month or ever learned more. I want desperately to go back soon. It doesn’t necessarily have to be Mexico, but definitely somewhere that I can continue to study Spanish. Right as I felt like I was really starting to understand the culture and the language it was time to leave. I was very ready to be home, but at the same time I wasn’t at all ready to leave either. So that’s settled, I’ll have to go back. It might not be until after I graduate and have a real job, but I have to go back.

It was also just really refreshing to be around new people. I love my friends, I think I make that pretty obvious to anyone who sits down and talks to me for more than five minutes, and I would probably have been the last person on earth to admit it, but I really did just need to be around new people. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that there is anything wrong with the people that I was and will continue to hang out with for the rest of my life hopefully. (adult friends!!!) But I think after a while you just get into such a routine and let a different identity take you over. Friendships, or relationships of any kind, have a way of defining you and if you aren’t careful those traits/feelings/relationships can completely take you over and you forget that you don’t have to be those things- it’s almost like you forget that you can change. And as anyone who has read the about me on this blog page would know, I believe whole-heartedly that the only way to really be happy is to constantly allow yourself to change. Because I believe that the important parts, the parts that make the people close to you love you, never really change that much. But to hold yourself back or try to cling to an idea of what you should be, what you were, or what someone wants you to be or thinks you were, will ultimately make you miserable. So back to the point, being around new people was like a remedy for this persona that I have taken on in the past year or so. I am so much more complex than I gave myself credit for. I had become somewhat of a flat character in my own mind. And fuck that, I’m not a flat character- I’m a fucking person. And I just really needed to be around people who aren’t used to me. People that think I’m funny or ridiculous when I do things that I find to be completely normal. Teachers that take me to go get tattoos after class, or teach me how to tell someone to go suck a cock. I don’t know, I guess it’s just nice to shake things up a bit.

Still most of all, as always, fighting those trust issues. I wish so badly to be naïve, but in the same breath I know so much better than that. Honesty is such a bizarre concept, the more I think about it the more confused I am. I can’t expect everyone to see things like I see them. I can’t expect everyone to run around being grotesquely and shockingly honest all the time. But I almost wish they would. But I do actually understand why they don’t. It’s just such a fucking blurry line- and God I hate that. If it wasn’t so damn easy to lie and get away with it I think I would feel worlds better.

I trust blindly- against my better judgment, because I know it’s the right thing to do.

Obligatory Update.

2011-05-20T05:58:00.000-04:00

It’s been brought to my attention that I haven’t blogged recently. True, I know. I’ve been a busy girl, and I honestly haven’t had a lot of time to just stop and think, definitely not enough time to really form an opinion on anything. You know, besides boring stuff like school work. And really why in the hell would I want to blog about that.

So right now is my summer. It’s been a pretty relaxing week or so. It’s so nice to be able to sleep as long as I want to. Tomorrow I am going to go see Laura Rushing, and then after that I am headed to Greenville for about a week to see my family. I’m excited because I don’t really get to see them that much and also because it will be nice to get away for a while. My only qualm is that I really want to rehearse with the band before I go to Mexico and this trip home is cutting out a lot of time. A sacrifice worth taking I suppose. I’ll just practice while I am up there. Oh, I guess that’s something I haven’t really mentioned on here, I am learning to play bass! It’s really awesome. It was kind of hard to get started but the more I practice the more I like it and everyone in the band is so much fun.

I’m really excited about going to Mexico. I leave in two weeks.

I’ve come to realize that I attract a lot of crazy people. &when I say crazy, I mean certifiably insane. (not to say that everyone attracted to me is crazy)

And I’m really fucking sick of people saying they value complete honesty only to turn around and find out they are compulsive liars. Really?! Lie about anything else please.

Also, when did guys start courting me as if I were a gay man?! It’s all nice and friendly for a week or so, and then BAM! All they want to talk about is their man-parts. Seriously? Just because I don’t tell you to fuck off doesn’t mean it’s not fucking weird. Do I give off the gay man vibe? Because really, all you need to do is call me pretty and ask me on a date. I promise you, you’re way more interested in your own penis than any girl is going to be.

Something you should know about me.

2011-03-13T06:06:00.000-04:00

For so many people, what you see of them is just a glimmer of the person who they are. It’s like they say, only the tip of the iceberg is visible above the water. People who lie about little things probably lie about half of the things they say. People who make-out with a lot of people, probably have sex with a lot of people. People who say shit to your face, have probably said a lot worse shit behind your back. That’s people. Under some sort of assumption that people won’t really understand or like the person they are- they hide things- under the surface. Because as much as it sucks people do things they can’t even tell their best friends about. We keep secrets, and if we can’t keep them we branch out to people who will understand them. Over time we spread all of our indiscretions, our bad behavior, our shit talking so thin over a group of people we call “friends” that the image from the outside is diluted. A fraction of who we are. It’s human nature. It’s what we do.

So that’s why it is so hard for people to grasp that I am one hundred percent. I’ve never really been able to hold back. I don’t really have secrets. I say what I think and I act on what I feel. Almost always. & it’s hard for people to not imagine what they think is under the surface. An evil mastermind, a president of a hate club, a closet lesbian, a raging slut. But everyone is looking under the surface for something that doesn’t exist. Some hidden part of me that’s never been there.

And I don’t even know if it’s a good way to be. I like myself, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I am somehow better than anyone. It’s hard to know that people so often misinterpret me, but it’s just who I am. One hundred percent.

My Biology class makes me want to do drugs.

2011-02-15T03:36:00.000-05:00

Born This Way. Hey.

According to my Biology teacher if you eat a mango about 45 minutes before smoking weed it intensifies your high. So there’s a tidbit of information for all you stoners out there. Oh the things that a college education can teach you.

A vague description of the science behind it!

So today was Valentine’s day or whatever. I think I was supposed to be depressed or something because I’m alone in the world and no one understands me or some bullshit. But I’m really just happy that I don’t have to go to work at Firehouse Subs tomorrow. Or ever again for that matter. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I really hated that job. Yes, it was easy as pie. I got the good and flexible hours that I wanted and I met some pretty interesting people while I was working there. But, GOD, that place is a shit hole. A soul-sucking, disgusting, absolute shiiiiiiiiithole. And I am not one of those people who just hates jobs because they are expected to work. (pet-peeve of mine) It’s that every time I stepped in the door I felt like I was magically being transported back to the sixth grade. Which is fun sometimes, but most of the time it’s just unnecessary stress. HMM, that could have been a contributing factor to why a 20 year old college student in good health somehow broke out in shingles. Unnecessary stress. BTW- I am so jealous/mad/amused that my biology teacher got hardcore pain meds for her shingles and all I got were some crummy Anti-virals! Not fair! Back to the point, SO HAPPY to be done with Firehouse. Still love the subs though- don’t get me wrong!

This weekend was pretty great. Laura Rushing came to visit. I haven’t actually hung out with her in about three years and yet we still get along like we were in high school yesterday. I feel so comfortable around her and I know that we will always be great friends. Although I may have partied a little too hard while she was here! It was great fun though, and I hope she comes down more often.

It’s remarkable to me the amount of people out there that don’t have a grasp on simple math and simple science concepts. I really have had to keep my ego in check lately taking these relatively easy courses. Because I have never been the kind of person to judge other people’s intelligence based on grades or how many big words they know. For me, I see intelligence as being able to grasp concepts in conversation- simply being able to follow logic. The ability to hone in on aspects of a concept but also to look at the concept as a whole and truly comprehend it. & it’s funny because I know plenty of people who do terribly in school that I consider to be wildly intelligent, and I know plenty of people who are considered to be book smart that I consider to be dumb as bricks. Either way, intelligence is only one factor of someone’s personality and while it’s a great asset to posses there are others that are equally important. It’s kind of humorous that we’re so fixated on test scores when they hardly ever seem to reflect one’s true intelligence. (Well except in my case. I’m obviously a genius.) <- see what I mean about that ego.

Another new thing in my life is the yet-to-be-named band that I am going to be the “publicist” for if you will. Matt has finally gotten the people together for a band and we’re all really hopeful for him that everyone will be super committed and excited about making music. It’s what he really loves and wants to do so what kind of best friend and number one fan would I be if I didn’t help out? Plus my girlfriend, Jordan Demers, is going to be in it and promised she would write a song about me. whoop! If you haven’t yet, check them out! (or what they’ve gotten so far) follow them on twitter and become a fan on facebook so when they get famous all your friends will think that you are really trendy and cool for hearing about them first. =P

The Twitter Page!

I’m sure you know about the new gaga single. (and if you don’t, I’m disappointed in you!) I’m sad to say, it’s not my favorite thing gaga has done. I mean, I like it- but I don’t love it. Hopeful that I’ll feel differently about the album.

No one is a better Valentine than my mom anyways.

2011-02-10T03:57:00.000-05:00

A bit of relationship advice in honor of Valentine's Day.

My number one and most important piece of advice is to know how to be single. So many people today fail at this. Jumping from one “serious” relationship to another is NOT HEALTHY. Rule of thumb is that you should spend about half the time of whatever relationship you just got out of in order to get over said relationship. I know that jumping right into something else seems like a really great idea at the time and a great way to get over whoever it is you were dating, but in most cases you’re just prolonging your relationship dysfunctionality. And let me be completely clear: Just because you SAY someone isn’t your boyfriend/girlfriend it does not mean that you are somehow following this rule. If you are hooking up with someone on a regular basis and “talking” or whatever- you fail. This is SO important because it forces you to make yourself happy instead of relying on someone else to make you happy. And you are always way less likely to disappoint yourself than someone else is. No one is going to love someone who can’t love themselves (cliché- but true). Also, did you know that Americans statistically have fewer friends than people in other countries? This has a lot to do with how our economy is set up but also has a lot to do with the HUGE importance we place in romantic relationships. And don’t kid yourselves- more friends=more happy. And there are also statistics to testify to that. I know how hard it is to break the dating cycle- but I really think that it is 100 percent worth it. Plus, whenever you do find “the one” there will be a lot less kinks to work out and they won’t be counting your five thousand ex’s on their fingers wondering to themselves “how different am I exactly?”

Secondly, and almost equally important, HONESTY. I cannot preach this enough. In order to be in a happy functional relationship, you have to be honest. I get so sick of hearing guys say “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” Oh come on! From personal experience it hurts so much more to be lied to than to be cheated on. I know this isn’t the case for everyone but I am about ten times more likely to forgive a guy for cheating than for lying. Not saying I condone cheating, and not saying there is any guarantee that I would forgive someone for cheating on me, but I simply would never tolerate lying. If you lie once, your entire credibility is called into question. Your significant other will start to think back on all the things they ever thought you might have been lying about and guess what? Your word don’t mean jack shit anymore. Your entire relationship is screwed. Think about that the next time you think it would be easier to lie. Now I know that some people believe in white lies. Yes, there are some extenuating circumstances in which it may be considered “acceptable” to lie. (I personally don’t believe in white lies, but I admit the validity of their usefulness) The bottom line is you should never lie to cover up for something you did wrong- because it will bite you in the ass.

For God’s sake people, stop trying to date people you aren’t compatible with. Don’t try to make yourself like someone just because they “fit the bill”. How many stories do you hear from eighty-year old couples where one of them says “Well she was mighty attractive, we liked the same movies, and she was really into me so I just made it work.”? Or “Even though we had no sexual chemistry at first, I just kept at it until I felt something.”? Please. I’m not saying that you can’t grow to like someone that you didn’t at first. But trying to force yourself in some quest to conquer loneliness is kind of pathetic. Don't you think that when you finally do meet the person that you are meant to be with it will come naturally? You can grow to like someone or you can force yourself to like someone. Which one sounds more appealing to you?

Another really important bit of advice, DON'T BE A PUSSY! I understand compromise. I understand that compromise is essential to make a relationship work. But I have seen too many instances in which someone didn’t stand up for something that they really believed in to avoid an argument. Arguing is a healthy part of relationships. It’s a delicate balance- but it’s important. If you constantly let one person in a relationship believe they are right even when you don’t agree with them- you are not doing the relationship a favor. You don’t have to make that person come around to your side- but at least let them know “Hey, this is my opinion and it’s not going anywhere.”

For you guys, treat your girl like a princess every once in a while! I know that we are mostly in college and that funds are not necessarily readily available but you can always get creative about this one. Pick flowers outside, draw them something, plan a cheap but thoughtful date, make them breakfast in bed. I know all these things seem cheesy, but girls appreciate them! I’m not the type of girl who is really into super romantic things, but to do something out of the ordinary every once in a while is a great way to remind your girlfriend that you are still utterly smitten by them. And there is no such thing as a girl who doesn’t like flowers. (and if they say they don’t- well they are trying waaaay too hard to be cool.)

If you took the time to read this then I hope that you took something useful away from it.
Happy Valentine's Day! <3

At the end of the day- it's all just about a sandwich.

2011-01-19T00:39:00.000-05:00

Thinking about choreography at the moment. I'd really like to start doing it sometime soon. Need some dancers though. Shame that Kelsey and Alyssa don't still live in town, really. Although they'd make me look like a noob. Professional Ballerinas. Pshhhh.

Classes this semester seem like they should be pretty much a breeze. Which would be nice considering that I would like to get HOPE back so that I can quit my shithole of a job.

I feel like I am in a daze half of the time lately. Like I'm shrinking about an inch beneath my skin. Weird. Feels like I am on drugs- which I'm not. Mostly when I'm driving- seems unsafe.

Finished reading a book (for leisure) last night for the first time in like two years. Great book. Now I want another.
Problem with books: I get way too emotionally invested. I almost feel like it would be a betrayal to the characters to start a new one so soon.

Life is shifting so quickly- yet so many things remain constant.

I feel like I spend half of my time trying to fall asleep and the other half of my time trying to wake up. But I’m constantly groggy since classes began.

I want to quit my job. Did I mention that? I hate it. It's disgusting. I can't wait until I have a well paying job at a place where people care about what they are doing. And then after that- I can't wait to do my own thing and be my own boss. &maybe if I end up actually being rich, I will buy some struggling college kid a car- like I wish I could do right now for Matt and Alex. Or pay a great kid like Vanessa's way through school so they don't have to work at a shithole where no one appreciates them. Yeah- I'd love to do that.

The older people get- the less likely they are to grow up.
I never want to be one of those people who quits changing and growing. I never want to quit thinking.
-So many people already have.

I think my self-esteem has really improved within the past year, so that's good. Although, I still feel like life would be easier without clothing.

At the end of the day- it's all just about a sandwich.

I'd like to dedicate this artsy sandwich to Laura Branan

Gaga Dots!

2011-01-16T17:08:00.000-05:00

Gaga Dots <-CLICK HERE TO REGISTER.

This is seriously such a neat Idea. Essentially David Ilan, an internationally recognized pointillism artist, is making a portrait of Lady Gaga using a million dots- each one representing a fan of Lady Gaga.

If you love Lady Gaga, go register now!

Anniversary Bears!!!!!!

2011-01-14T23:06:00.000-05:00

Happy Anniversary to my favorites.

Happily Married!

2011-01-13T23:02:00.000-05:00

I got married Recently.
Just thought you guys should know.

Where to Start.

2011-01-12T00:38:00.000-05:00

In my world literature class two years ago we had a conversation about the great flood that stuck with me. It goes like this. If there are so many stories that incorporate this idea of a great flood that covered the whole world coming out of all sorts of different cultures and legends then there is one thing that we can safely assume: There must have been at least one huge ass flood a long ass time ago. In more or less words. So what does this mean for me? Well right now it means a great deal. It’s the only clue I find to be legitimately trustworthy in my search for the truth about something, God. God- who saved my life in the simplest way possible.

But besides that- I have nothing figured out. When I was younger believing in God and going to church was a safety precaution for me. A way to make sure I didn’t go to hell, if a hell exists. And that’s how it was- until I was about 16. And then came the questioning, or more of being completely honest with myself. Had I ever truly felt that there was a God out there? Had I ever felt like my prayers had been answered or that someone was looking out for me? The honest answer was no. I wanted there to be something out there, I wanted to believe, but I had no reason to. And I know many people would say believing when you have no reason to is the definition of faith. (Thanks I know, I went to Sunday school too.) But faith is something that you have to feel- and I never felt it. Trying to say I believed when I didn’t felt dishonest, so I didn’t say it. I waited with an open mind.
And I straight up resented “Christians”. I tried not to, but I just assumed that they had never really sat down and thought about it. Gobbling up what their parents and Sunday school teachers said without ever even questioning it. They probably never felt anything either, just never stopped to think about why they “believe”.

At times it’s easy to believe that you have been abandoned, that you are all alone, and that the only person out there that truly cares about you is you. It’s the most plausible circumstance I could think of honestly. But who wants that to be true? Not me.

And then I felt something. God saved me.
Where do I go from here?
Because my relationship with God is so important to me now. I refuse to let it become corrupted by something that is wrong. I refuse to blindly believe an organized religion created by men.
And it’s not like God popped into my bed room and said “Hey Laura, you should believe in Jesus, and if you don’t- you’ll go to hell.”
So why should I believe that?
That seems kind of dimwitted to me. Don’t get me wrong, all of Jesus’ teachings are wonderful, and I agree with them but why should I have to believe in Jesus ON TOP of following all of his teachings.
& if there were a loving God out their that created us and he was going to instill one thing in our souls wouldn’t it be the ability to have faith and all the knowledge that we would need to worship him? How is it okay to require us to go searching for all of this seemingly irrelevant information that almost has nothing to do with our personal relationship with God?

I just can’t help but feel like organized religion is almost just a sales tactic. Everyone is using all these techniques to sell a relationship with God to you. When all that really matters, all that is really important is the skeleton of it all. The teachings. The faith. The great flood of religion. The flood is the one common thread, the thread of truth. I feel like the same is true with religion. Out of all the religions that I have heard of (that weren’t obviously ploys for rulers to gain power over their people) there are common threads. Threads of truth. So that’s where I am starting.

[Shout out to Matt Glover for talking to me about this.]

This Song is like my anthem- and describes exactly how I felt when I found God.

TidalWave by Owl City

Things I'd like to do this semester.
-Get all A's and bring my GPA up to a 3.0
-Blog at least once a week or four times a month about shit that actually matters.
-Party less
-stop looking a hot mess in public
-Break hearts
-Squash the closet lesbian rumor
-Find a better job
-Choreograph two dances at least
-visit Laura Rushing
-visit Matt Phejlada
-visit Kwang
-Get a scholarship for Study Abroad

"I tried to hold your hand- but you'd rather hold your grudge."

2011-01-10T03:35:00.000-05:00

Every now and then- I have a dream about you. Usually right after this guy who literally could be your twin comes into Firehouse and orders a Hook&Ladder with no tomato or onion. It always really sucks- and totally reinforces what I already know. Losing a friend is endlessly painful. Especially when there is no real explanation for it. &trust me, by now I’ve thought on how silly I have been for being so upset- told myself that we could never have really been best friends if this is how things turned out- had a ~~million~~ billion other heartbreaks and let downs since then. But still, I refuse to let my half of whatever friendship we had down by writing it off and not caring. Because lets just face it- that’s not me. &as much as I have changed in the past two years- I’ll never care any less about my friends. And while yeah, you’re definitely not in that category any more (I hardly even remember what you look like), I respect the guy that I once knew and felt very close to. I regret a lot of the things I said to you. I felt entitled to say them at the time, out of anger or hurt feelings, but no matter how true or deserved something is- I should never have gone out of my way to hurt someone that was my friend. I guess I’m sorry. You’re the first person I ever had ripped out of my life. I think I miss you- although I can’t be certain.

School would be starting tomorrow except that we have been hit by a random winter storm. I am taking 16 hours this semester. I am really hoping to do well in my studies this spring. I did pretty well this fall, but I know I can do better. I always get into these moods where I don’t want to do any school work at all. &every once in a while I fall victim to that. My goal this semester is to not let that happen. Also, I really need to crack down on doing online assignments. I’m so old fashioned. I JUST WANT A WORK SHEET! I really miss the days where homework was something you just sat down at the kitchen table and wrote out. It’s weird because the only homework I actually finished on time last semester was a worksheet for accounting. Anyways, this is boring. Just updating you on my school life I suppose.

Work sucks. I hate my job. Our store is gross. I’m not really sure how much I am allowed to comment on it considering that I work there- but it really just makes me realize how epically a business can fail just from a lack of caring. The root of every problem I have seen where I work has simply been a lack of giving a shit. If you don’t care about your employees (give them raises, recognize hard work, reward those who deserve it- not those who suck up.) then they see no reason to work hard. If you are proud of the place you work- then you will work to make it something to be proud of. If management doesn’t care about you or the well-being of the business then how can they expect anyone else to care either? It all comes down to breaking the cycle. Being the one person who cares. I am in no position to be that person considering I have been working there for over a year and have not gotten any sort of recognition for any of my hard work. And it really sucks, because in my place of work I know for a fact that being the one person in authority that actually does care and tries to make the store look better and tells people to do their job instead of standing around gets shit talked on them all the time. Just because it makes you feel bad for not doing your job- doesn’t mean its okay to pretend like they aren’t doing theirs. In conclusion- JUST CARE. It’s also a good lesson for me in business. Leading by example is really important.

In other news, I love onions. Which makes sense because that’s what my body odor smells like.

The most annoying thing in my life recently would have to be the ridiculous amount of importance people place in having a relationship. It’s not really a big deal to me if people want to have an unhealthy personal life jumping from guy to guy or girl to girl, but please don’t treat me like I am any less alive than you because I have not been “validated” by a man. (or more likely a boy that I’m not even compatible with) I don’t think that most people do this consciously, but it gets old being pitied for not having a boyfriend. I DON’T CARE. When have you ever heard me complain about not having a boyfriend. I actually like being single. The thought of a relationship makes me kind of uncomfortable because I’m not sure I could give myself to someone like that right now. Don’t get me wrong, if a great guy came along I wouldn’t push him away just for the sake of being single- but I am certainly not pining away for my prince charming. Just like any lifestyle, being single has it’s up and downs, but I am completely content not having a boyfriend. I am beyond happy for anyone who has truly found someone that they are happy with- but please do not try to fit me through the same mold as yourself. I am happy.

I guess all I really have left to post is a poem I wrote last year. At the time it was a little too close to me personally to post on the internet- but now I think it will be fine. ENJOY!

Just so I don’t forget

I want to put one minute in my pocket,
Next to my chapstick,
Old button,
And pens.
It’s 4:17 in the morning,
Nothing special,
But it means that we’re more than,
“just friends.”

Covers kicked off,
And the room is too hot,
I feel safe with you on my skin.
But a phone goes off,
And our lips break apart,
as I reach towards the edge of my bed.
A message not worth remembering,
A waste of my time,
What matters is your hand on my hip.
You flip me back and to my surprise,
You don’t jump straight for my lips.

The moment turns slow,
You pull my head close,
And that’s when I feel it begin,
You open your lips,
Say,

----------“don’t get attached”
Then drown me in kisses again.

My CHRISTMAS GIFT TO YOU.

2010-12-22T23:21:00.000-05:00

Thinking over time.

2010-10-25T19:04:00.000-04:00

I just have been thinking a lot lately about how thankful I am. For a lot of things.
I am thankful that I have friends that really honest to god care about me. That I know I can expect to have for the rest of my life. People that I know so well that I can’t possibly imagine not having them around or not being able to get in touch with them in one way or another. I know that a lot of people don’t have that. Everyone has friends, and everyone’s friends care about them. But something about a lot of the friendships I have seen feels very temporary. But I know that no matter what I will always know my friends completely. That I won’t look up one day and be shocked at the person that they have become. Because I know their flaws- and I love their flaws. &they know and love mine. I’m so lucky.

I finally have some direction in my life. I never really realized how much it negatively affected me to not know where I was going. I spent a lot of time in college just being sad and not really understanding why. I thought maybe I was lonely or just not capable of being a normal level of happy- but now I realize what it really was. It’s like a large scale feeling of disappointment in a wasted day. Knowing that the time that you have has endless possibilities and doing absolutely nothing with it. It just drags you down into a slum. And every other aspect of your life feels useless without knowing where you are headed.
I want to be clear. I don’t see any error in the fact that it took me a while to decide what I wanted to do. I wouldn’t have wanted to end up doing something that I wasn’t crazy about. But I do have an overwhelming sense of empathy for anyone who is in the same position I was. I want to tell these people that there is nothing wrong with them and that they will figure it out. But I know that it wouldn’t be remotely comforting to have another person who knows what they want to do tell them they need to do the same. & I know this because that always just made me feel worse, like everyone knew there was something wrong with me. That I wasn’t worthy of anyone’s time.
So I feel lucky- because I know what I want and I have direction.

In the summer of 2007 I started a new OD(open diary). I hadn’t even looked at it in the past two and a half years until a couple of days ago. I used to regard myself as a lying, impulsive, and unhealthy person. I feel lucky- because reading through all these things I wrote about becoming a more open and honest person, I realize that I have 100 percent achieved that. I used to lie about things all the time- now I can’t even bring myself to knowingly mislead someone or lie about things that I have every right too (ex: personal hygiene habits, bodily functions, sex life) I used to hate myself, I used to worship the idea of being half a person, I used to make non-stop excuses for my behavior. Now I never lie, I believe in independence, and I try my hardest not to behave in a way that would warrant an excuse. I willed myself into being a better person, and I have never felt so lucky or proud.

It must be nice to be delusional.

2010-10-24T22:57:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the real world.
Where what you are and what you are doing seems kind of, well, insignificant. And who gets to decide what is important and what is passionate? Who gets to say whether or not someone is living out their dreams? Why is one dream, one career, and one major better than another? And is there anyone that you really know that does what they do well that is completely uninterested in it?
Welcome to the real world.
Because in yours doctors aren’t passionate about saving lives, Accountants aren’t passionate about manipulating, understanding, and studying numbers, business men and women aren’t in love with their goals and their careers. Because in your world Art is one thing. In your world you can’t see art and passion in other people’s life at all.
Welcome to the real world.
Where surrounding yourself with people who are equally as delusional as you doesn’t actually make anything that you say or believe make that much sense. Where if you don’t actually think about the things that you say-you come off as ignorant-and people actually don’t like you.
Because here in the real world, you’re all really not that weird or different. Though you sure like to think so. Being selfish and cold-hearted doesn’t actually make you special, it just makes you selfish and cold-hearted. And hurting people because you don’t have the decency to sacrifice something you want just makes you a bad person. The end. Nothing different or new about that at all. And the fact that you feel the need to spontaneously justify it just means that you know it’s not right.
So if you ever take a trip to the real world maybe take some time to look at the signs.
You are flailing for excuses for what in any other diverse social circle would be considered disgustingly selfish behavior.
It must be nice to be delusional- but could you not lay out a road map for your delusions?
Because your rationalizations become the rationalizations of those who are close to you.
& is it not enough just to hurt the people that you hurt directly? You need to make everyone else “special” too. Because being isolated, selfish, and alone isn’t something that should be spreading like wildfire- but it is.

So here it is.
You are not special.
Take a second-let that sink in.

DISCLAIMER- while inspired by something written by an individual- these conceptual thoughts are NOT ABOUT any one individual. And are not meant to be hurtful- just honest.

What I learned.

2010-10-05T07:18:00.000-04:00

Tom Riddle is in the shop. Caught a ride to school, and now I have an hour to kill. So it’s been a month since I last blogged and life has been pretty swell. School has been essentially good, work has been dramatic as always, and my friends are just as awesome as they always have been. So what’s really new?

Being a good person, that’s what’s new. A new thought in a world of selfishness.
Why do people do shitty things? What makes seemingly nice people be hurtful and careless?
A complete lack of thought. I believe in freedom- so much. But there is a difference between expressing freedom and not thinking. You are free to think for yourself- design your own moral expectations, and to ultimately do what ever the hell you want. But it seems more to me that people skip the first two steps and jump straight to doing whatever they feel like.
1. Think for yourself.
Of course your friends and the people who surround you are going to support you and accept the excuses you make for yourself. It’s your own responsibility to think about your actions and act accordingly.
2. Design your own moral expectations
What do you believe to be right and wrong? Is it okay to lie? Is it okay to cheat? To help someone cheat? To knowingly mislead people? To flirt with people you’re not interested in? To ignore a friend in need? You have to answer all of these questions for yourself. Most of them are as easy as asking if you would appreciate any of these things being done to you. But how many people really have a moral code that they follow?

And even after you’ve done this, how many people actually apply it to their actions? I know that for the majority of my life I was a good person by a complete accident. I was lucky. Doing what I felt like at the time almost always fell into my moral boundaries. And I think that is how it is for most people. Not thinking seems to work just fine. If you’ve never really done anything that shitty, then that makes you a good person, right?
Well, now I am not so sure. Because that’s probably how nice people end up doing complete shit things. Once you finally get put into a situation where doing the immoral thing is more desirable, or easier, you do it. Without question, because its what you felt like doing. And there it is, my answer to why the majority of people act like assholes sometimes.

So lately I have been combating this. It’s my new approach to being a good person. Actively trying. Knowing what I think is right and wrong, and actually abiding by it- knowing the things that I am most likely to forgo my morals for and avoiding them. & I know that this may come off as judgmental but it’s really just a personal choice I made for myself and my reasoning behind it. And I honestly feel amazing about myself after deciding this.

__________________________________

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my future. Wondering what I will be doing after I graduate, and surprisingly I have been strongly considering going to grad school. I don’t know what for just yet, being that it is my first semester taking classes that pertain to my major, but it’s definitely something that I am looking into. I really love accounting and my environment of business classes so hopefully I’ll figure it all out soon. I just overwhelmingly feel like I am on the right path as of late. & that’s a feeling I haven’t had in ages- if ever.

This is the first time in years that I feel like I am learning.

Raise your hand if you have a soul!

2010-08-29T20:24:00.000-04:00

Rainy days make me want to cuddle. Anyone DTS?
=/ didn’t think so. Gosh, I really do miss just laying in bed all day with someone. That’s so girly of me but whatever. I just feel like everything these days revolves around sex and not love. Which is fucked up and stupid. What happened to the days when people actually dated? And the people who actually dated actually LOVED each other? I don’t know. I can think of a few couples that I don’t find laughable, but not many. And that’s pretty sad. I’m kind of tired of the single lifestyle to be honest. You’re either, A)being rejected by people you don’t even like. B)being led on and then rejected by people you really do like, C)feeling guilty for not really liking people that like you, or D)being creeped out by creepy McCreepsters. None of the above are fun. And every time you think you find someone who actually understands what’s going on, they are a dumb fuck too. Men don’t get me. They think I like them when I don’t, they think I hate them when I like them, and they all seem to be under the delusion that I’m in love with them. UMM, OKAY…NO. news flash, I OBVIOUSLY have a hard time not saying how I feel, so people should take whatever I say at face value. Chances are, if I like you, I’ll say it. Probably a bunch of times.

School has been my main focus of late. I’m trying to cut back on the partying practically completely. And I think that my birthday party was probably the last real “partying” I am going to be doing until it’s gotten pretty far into the school year. I finally found something that I actually want to do, so I am going to try my hardest to be the best that I can be at it. Which is sadly something that I don’t think I have ever done. I’ve never really poured everything I have into something, maybe it’s because I am afraid I won’t be good at it, but I’m not even really sure that’s the reason. All I know is that if I do actually try my best, I am going to be fucking amazing, if not, the smartest and best student ever. (As conceited as that may sound- I’m pretty fucking smart) So the party scene (as if there is one in Columbus =P) will be secondary to my school. So I guess if I ever have an abundance of free time, well, I do love a good party. I’m especially enjoying not just my business class, but my business text book as well. Which is odd. Extremely odd. But hey, maybe I really found my calling? I guess we will see.

Basically, I am really obsessed with myself lately. And it’s probably because I find that I am the least disappointing person that I know. It’s extremely unlikely for me to knowingly disappoint myself. It’s not particularly because I think I am awesome, which I do, but because it’s just generally a better way to maintain happiness. Caring about people has always been a defining aspect of my personality and a great well of happiness throughout my life. But at the same time it has caused me a lot of disappointment and sadness. I think that it is a really wonderful thing about me but I’ve been finding out the hard way that it’s definitely not enough to make me happy on its own. In just the past year I have been recognizing the abnormally high standards I place on the people that I know to be caring, un-selfish, and good-intentioned people. And as disappointing as it is to me, I’ve come to realize that what is really idolized these days is selfishness. To care about yourself, and only yourself. THAT IS A STUPID THING TO IDOLIZE. You’re supposed to care about people. If not for any other reason than that basic ethics are based on you caring about others. As Laura Branan would say, “the apathetic approach” just makes you a selfish bitch. I may have just brain robbed her a bit.

In my Business class we ask the question, “Can the free-market be an ethical place without government interference?” Well, while a few years ago my answer would have been a resounding yes, now I am not so sure. In a world where you can dump your friends, sleep around like it’s nothing, date someone for nearly a year and proclaim not to have really cared, can we expect people in business to have any kind of social responsibility? I’m thinking no kids. Everyone is out for themselves here. I am out looking for people who are on my side. Raise your hand if you got a soul! And let’s be friends.

You know what? YOU don't even fucking compare.

2010-08-23T01:02:00.000-04:00

I’m the fucking bomb. I am fucking awesome,incredible,funny,smart,clever,&beautiful. Sucks that you had to miss out on me. There are people who would literally kill for a chance with me. Maybe that makes me self-obsessed. But I would rather be obsessed with myself than with someone who would just ultimately let me down. I feel like everything is falling into place for me. I finally have a clear vision of what I want for the future. I finally have an appetite for knowledge and adventure. [Which unfortunately has to co-exist with a poison oak breakout!] I WANT to read my books and do my homework. I want to be alone with my own thoughts. I’m so tired of putting myself down and making excuses for people who don’t even bother to take the time to realize the person that I really am. Even after years of me being open and honest. If someone really knows me, then they wouldn’t say such IGNORANT things about me all the fucking time. So yeah it really fucking sucks that some people are blind, but you know what? It really just sucks for them, not me. Because I’m too busy being the fucking bomb ass person that I am. In all my profane, bitchy, overly-compassionate, and loyal glory. SO FUCKING APRECIATE it.
This may be coming off as angry, but it’s not.
I’m over being angry and conflicted and miserable about things I have no control over. From now on I am going to be too busy making my awesome life happen. I’m just happy. I’m tired of idolizing other people, it’s time to make myself into an idol. Because now I know that I am good enough, and I do compare, in fact I’d say I’m downright better. & if that makes me conceited then I’ll take it. Because being conceited(which a more positive person would call confident) is better than sitting around waiting for a validation that I will probably never receive until I get off of my ass and do it myself. And if at that point I’m worth something to those people who never bothered to see me before, then I understand, because I have NOT been at my full potential. But it’s not like I haven’t been fucking awesome this whole time. So every person who ever had any piece of my heart who threw me away like trash, you’re fucking history. Fucking fat camp, food stamps, crack whore, no one gives a flying fuck about you and your fucking sad ass pathetic lives-HISTORY. Sorry if that was a little bitchy, but I forgot how great it feels to be a bitch. Especially when someone really deserves it. So seriously, don’t fuck with me. &if you have any self-preservation instincts at all, DO NOT FUCK WITH MY FRIENDS. Because basically, I will make you cry. &it’s so not that hard.
GOD-I don’t know if it’s the crack water, BUT I am SO DAMN AWESOME.

Ambiguous is a word I learned in High School.

2010-07-28T17:36:00.000-04:00

I’m held captive by nothing at all. I create the things that box me in inside my own head. I miss dancing. I miss loving something real. I miss so much, but I have come so far. & I know I am so close. & I am tired of runner-ups and maybes, could be’s and shouldn’t be’s. I’m some how past the point of settling. I’m past the point of accepting mediocrity, and far beyond wanting to have anything to do with taking my time. I want what my life should be, and what it will be. & it’s so agonizing that I am nowhere close.
Sometimes I forget what its like to have someone love me. I know all too well what it’s like to love someone, to adore every inch of them, to be obsessed with all of their flaws. But I forget that someone is going to feel that for me. It seems impossible. And it’s bizarre to know that it has happened before. That at some point not more than a year ago there was someone who thought all the ridiculous and disgusting things about me were wonderful. I can only hope that it will happen again. Although I would greatly prefer having no one than having someone that wasn’t right.
I have a hard time drawing the line between my strong belief in forgiveness and my need for self-preservation. I have always thought that forgiveness (and honesty) is the most important thing in any type of relationship. But I have also always believed that you should try your best not to put yourself in situations where you are likely to get hurt. It should be a well known fact to anyone on any level of close to me that the people in my life who have the greatest potential to hurt me are my friends. I expect to be hurt by any sort of romantic prospect. And just like I can ignore physical pain if I see it coming I can do the same (on some level) with heartbreak. But in the case of friends, I never see it coming. & it devastates me. And I have been devastated on numerous occasions. And if you were wondering: No, it doesn’t ever stop hurting. & Yes, I will always care. So what do I do when not forgiving is not an option? The answer has to be distance. That’s something I can accept but not something I'm sure I'd be good at.

"I don't need a Telescope..."

2010-07-20T01:27:00.000-04:00

"...to see that there's hope,
and that makes me feel brave."

I hate it when I have time to just sit around and think. I always think that I’ve got everything in my life figured out. And then I have a night like this. Sick, can’t go out and do anything, don’t feel like watching any tv, have already facebook stalked pretty much everyone on my friends list, and now what am I left with? Just me and my thoughts. Just long enough to make me question what is good for me and what is bad for me. My heart is in all the wrong places, I know that. But is it better to just push on and try to force myself into being apathetic, or should I just be honest about the limitations of my emotions right now? I had resolved to be honest. Just let things play out and hope that somehow, in any way that things would work out for the best. Now I am not so sure. Am I one of those pathetic people that just prolong their own progress in emotionally growing by holding on too hard? Am I standing in my own way? I’m not sure. But what I also don’t want is to be one of those people that just denies their feelings and tries to rush the process. As if there is a set process. That would make things more convenient. If everyone was just as simple to understand as a machine. Oh you have a problem? Well lets just look that one up in the manual and see what we can do. And if there is no set process, which I am certain there is not, then how do I know what the right thing to do is? And it’s not as if it’s just me that is at risk here. Every person that I interact with has to in some way react to the choices I make to make myself feel better. And that’s all we are trying to do here, right? Make ourselves feel better. But in this effort we run people in and out of our lives without really letting them know the reason that they are here. Just to make US feel better. Is it fair to do this to someone? Except that they probably turn around and do it to someone else. But does that really make using people okay? Because why else do you ever start talking to someone besides to entertain yourself or make yourself forget about something else. And in that case, how does using someone turn into friendship as it so often does? What makes us stop only caring about ourselves and start caring about them. I would say that it was that they were great people that amaze you, but it also happens with completely unremarkable people.
I feel like it must be that the only happiness I really can create for myself is the kind I feel when I care about someone. Despite their flaws and despite whether or not they care back. Them caring back is just a nice bonus.

(this is a feverish rant.)

A glance at my Journal.

2010-07-16T02:24:00.000-04:00

Well I guess I should introduce this entry by telling you about this little red book that has grown close to my heart.
My journal.
The first entry in it is October 22, 2007. I was seventeen, in love, and in high school.
The most recent entry in it is from a few days ago. Here we go.

“So Rabun Gap is somewhere in northern Georgia. Beautiful, lots of mountains and such. The air seems easier to breath here, somewhat less sticky, less thick. I feel all the happier, although not any less in love than before. Josh sparks such wildly strong emotions in me that I hardly know what to do with him. - In reality this is the kind of place I would like to live later in life. I wonder how people could ever get used to breathing this air.”

“I wish I could shake you from my thoughts,
But you’re dancing around in my head.
Pulling me every direction.
All I need is you to hold me,
But the thought in itself is masochistic.
Just wrap me up in your words- embrace me
in conversation.
Because feeling your voice on me,
Is enough to forget,
I can’t feel you at all.
My heart is held captive by nothing.
Maybe dreams will bring me peace.”

“Today we drove past and empty, flipped, burned car. I remember being annoyed as we drove up on the scene. All I could see was the flashing lights through the thick fog. I figured it was just another silly car accident like the ones Renee always gets into. But no, it was more of a shadow of a car. Hardly visible besides being illuminated by the flashing lights, but more because it seemed the entire inside had been burned days ago. It really frightened me. and made me feel guilty for all those times I had considered running my car into a tree.”

“I just expect too much out of people. I think of myself as pathetic, doesn’t anyone else feel this way too? I guess not, I guess I really am alone as I feel. Maybe what I really love has nothing to do with me and I am just existing for the purpose of other people. I’m just here to be that girl that he loves, that girls that she hates, that girl that they envy, that girl that really has no means of making herself happy. What did god, if he exists, want me to get out of life? How could hell be any worse than insignificance? Everything in life revolves around something stupid that I don’t like, or I don’t have, like sex and money and trust. It seems like all the reasons other people live are just bullshit to me. “

“All I feel is disappointment in myself for failing at the one human goal – to be happy.”

“I’m tired of feeling like I am in a sea of men who could never compare to him. I like to sleep because I like to dream. I hope there’s a day when I like being awake more.”

“The last thirty minutes of box are always the longest, taunting you with the knowledge that it’s almost over. And you really have nothing else left to do. But cleverly, I have tricked the last 30 minutes by occupying my time writing about them. The last fifteen minutes, however, may not be so easily tricked.”

“As much as I try, I remain dazzled by something that becomes more dull with every passing day.”

“I fall short of the stereotypical last summer, and spend most of my time in a sweat box regretting past actions that caused present disappointments as well as future ones I suspect. I believe that the most childish thing that I have done this summer is to gripe about something I know to be entirely my fault. So my last summer of adolescence seems to be nothing but a failure. A shell of the eventful time period it should be.”

“It hurts to feel like you’re mine- but to know that you’re not.”

Content with Content.

2010-07-13T19:24:00.000-04:00

So I just got my laptop back. Time to blog I suppose. I am cleaning the apartment today because my mom is in town. It wasn’t too bad to begin with, but now it’s starting to look really nice. It’s weird because the last time I blogged I was laying on the floor in my old apartment and now here I am sitting at the desk in my new one. If I could think of one word to describe my state in general for the past couple of months it would be “content”. Life is good. Things are all starting to come together. My friends are amazing, my living situation is ideal, my job is good. So what’s missing? Shouldn’t I be happy instead of just content? I think I’ve finally found the answer to that question. Nothing. Nothing is missing. There is nothing wrong with being content. Being happy all the time is infuriating. Life always needs some form of spontaneity. Doing the same thing every single day becomes mind-numbing. Feeling the same thing every single day does the same thing. I like that sometimes I wake up in a good mood and sometimes I wake up miserable. It keeps things interesting. And god knows how I hate things to be boring.
I have to admit that I have been neglecting you lately blog. I keep writing in my journal. I forgot how great it could feel to get everything you are thinking out on paper. [No matter how silly or melodramatic it sounds.] Being able to write anything that you want without having to worry that somebody will read it and say how dumb you are being. You also don’t have to worry about that pressure that everyone is putting on you to get over things. I feel like there is a process that cannot be rushed when it comes to heeling and being overly-emotional and over the top is a part of that. No matter how much it makes you feel like a middle schooler. And the really great thing about it is that it’s probably some of the best shit I’ve ever written. As surprising as that may be.
I hope that you can take this in the most non-depressing way possible, but I have been thinking about death a lot lately. What it would be like to have someone really close to me die. But mostly what it would be like here if something were to happen to me. Kind of silly, but I wonder what people would miss about me? I wonder if they would miss the unconventional things about me. like the fact that I talk about shitting a lot. Or all the mean things I said to people when no one else had the nerve to say it. Or would they miss the sweet things about me? I don’t know. But it’s definitely something to think about.
I guess this is my boring update on the nothing that I have been doing lately. Not much left to say.

Maybe I am not going about things the best way. But I am hopeful, and I find that comforting. I’m still waiting.

Call and Return.

2010-05-08T19:00:00.000-04:00

So I am sitting in my bedroom on the floor and experience what is probably the first amount of free time that I have had in two weeks. School has been so stressful, I hate it so much. I sit around and wonder, what does it actually take to become a good student? And I guess that it’s motivation, and well I guess I don’t actually have any of that. Its easy for me to be good at my job, and I actually car about my job. But school, the importance of school eludes me. I know that it serves a significant purpose in my life, but as for its legitimate usefulness I am not convinced. I believe that there are very few professions that you can go into that you don’t learn the majority of the things that you need to know AFTER you’ve gotten the job. So I guess what I really hate is the way degrees are setup. Uhg, I just hate the institution of college. Must press on however.

Dance extravaganza was GREAT. I mean, given, its not the absolute best representation of talent in the area of dance, but I miss dance so much. It feels so good to be up on a stage dancing again. I really wish it was an everyday thing, I don’t even mind the unnecessary amount of stress it adds to my life. I really want to incorporate it into a regular part of my life from now on. Maybe even try to start up a little dance class next semester. =]

And life, well, life is good. It’s funny how things turn out, and although it would be really easy to, I don’t want to complain. The things that I have been through have shaped me into the person that I am (as cliché as that is). I’m trying become a person between my two extremes and I finally feel like I am finding some sort of balance. I had myself convinced that life was a dead end, and that I was trapped in what I already was, I’m overwhelming relieved that I find that to be untrue.

But hey hey, its not all lollipops and rainbows kids.
I seriously need to mend my trust issues.
Thnx josh. Ha.
Nah, I’m kidding. I mean kind of.

sweetfuckingdreams

2010-04-19T02:06:00.000-04:00

I'm a victim of my nature
trapped in their perception.
all my evil plans are
written on my uneven chest
I must be out to deceive,
to hurt the unsuspecting,
but the suspecting, so clever,
so fucking clever.
I’m glad you’re clever,
it made things better,
better for everyone except
an old toy, a fond memory,
diluted with your warped perceptions,
misconceptions,
of my good intentions,
good intentions you're blind to.
good intentions that worked in your favor,
until you overlooked them
for your paranoia, for your jealousy,
and now what’s left?
the fear of that potential.
it's a good thing you're so fucking clever.
so clever.
you should have known better.
I hope that dream is a nightmare.
I hope you still wonder.
dreams of what you think it could've been,
if you trusted,
trusted everything he promised,
and everything I stood for.
what you fear is what he saw
but now you'll never know,
the result of that un-played scenario,
it was nothing,
but now you’ll never see,
and you'll find, while I sleep sound,
tonight you'll dream of me.

"Above all, I never ever want to settle."

2010-04-19T00:26:00.000-04:00

GOD. I Have changed so fucking much. And then again, I have changed none at all. CRAZY how that happened, just absolutely flabbergasting! Like I just flip through old things that I used to write and I am amazed at the person that I used to be. I can’t believe I wasted so much of my life on josh. So ridiculous. I just was reading through all the old things I have today and I am so mad at myself for ever getting involved with someone that was so obviously fucking nuts! Before I even dated him or really even talked to him as a friend he had decided that he would love me forever. WARNING SIGNS, I think yes. Wow, I am such a fucking moron.

I would really just love to sit up all night typing out little excerpts from all of my journals that I really like and commenting on them but I really don’t have the time or patience to do that, although at some point I would really love to. I had such a fun brain in high school. Something I would also really like to do right now is sit down and at least start a new short story. Unfortunately I have no ideas at the moment.

Poetry eludes me lately, I used to love it. I used to write it daily. I am so mad at myself for failing so hard at it now. Maybe I have just raised my expectations. I need to focus more on it. I need to focus more on my writing and not just this blog. Everything.

So life right now is essentially good, I mean there’s shit, but there is always shit. I feel really at peace most of the time even though lonely is sucking my soul and bad self esteem has kicked into overdrive. I really just have an obsession at the moment with getting back to basics, becoming the person I was before all the baggage. I want to get back to who I was in like ninth grade. I loved that person. Its safe to say that I really loved myself then. I just want to listen to taking back sunday and jump around screaming and dancing for hours. I want to wear stupid clothes and act retarded all the time. I want to walk around barefoot twenty four seven and go swimming at every opportunity that presents itself. I want to be optimistic about relationships and life and the future. I don’t want to settle, above all, I never ever want to settle. I think that is what I am most afraid of. I am on the cusp of adulthood and all I want is to be a child again. How fucked up and backwards is that? In high school I harped and harped about how bad it was to be naïve. An I still believe that, I really believe that allowing yourself to be naïve at a certain age is an equation for getting your heartbroken in a devastating and irreversible way. But there is something so appealing about being naïve. I wish I could go back. And it’s obviously appealing to others as well, especially in girls.

The end. That’s all I have.

It's just a ride.

2010-04-12T12:14:00.000-04:00

I keep thinking about blogging lately and I start and never finish. I am obviously not being a very responsible blogger.

I can’t decide how I feel in these past couple of days, I have had so many ups and downs that I can’t tell exactly where I am. Everything is kind of falling back into place after a couple of weeks of chaos and I finally feel like I can sit down for long periods of time and not start to freak out mentally. I have just been constantly worrying about the way people perceive me, which I am finding recently to be generally bad, but what is important to me is that the people who do like me, love me. and that’s all I really need. I honestly don’t really worry about what people are going to think about me anymore, and I guess some people find that shocking or crude, but I just find it refreshing. Refreshing to know that I wont, in some distant future, disappoint people with my identity because I spent so much time being “proper” or “friendly”. I can’t help the thoughts that my brain produce and I cant change or morph my personality so why the hell should I keep it all bottled up inside myself? I shouldn’t, because the few things I do manage to keep to myself tend to explode out at the most inopportune moments and honestly just result in more chaos and unhappiness in my life. And since I kind of hate chaos and unhappiness, I’ll try to avoid that from now on.

Uhhg, I really just hate realistic dreams. I hate losing friends, and I’ll leave this at that.

I’m so happy to have a new old friend back in my life. Someone who I literally thought would never come around. I was so right about him originally, and I could not be happier about it.

I’m so sick of people lately, this selfish epidemic that is going around. Everyone thinking that they deserve things and that it is somehow right for them to completely disregard other people to get them. And if they do show some form of concern it’s probably so they can pity themselves, or more preferably be pitied by other people. I used to be amazed by the similarities that I found I shared with other people, now I am baffled by the lack there of. Being selfish makes me hate myself. I think that other people think it is their right. This mentality that “I need to think of myself just this once…” yeah yeah, shut the fuck up.

Conversation with a cat.

2010-03-18T15:55:00.000-04:00

I’m itching for a distraction. A shiny little distraction. A new toy. I feel like that could possibly make me a horrible person, but we live in a world where people are made to be used. & not in the beautiful way that you read about or see movies about, and not in the cute way that you experience when you’re in high school, in a purely selfish, malicious, and barbaric way in which you take everything you want from your new “toy” and then toss them aside. That’s what this world has come to, that’s all I see from people these days. I am fortunate enough to have discovered a small group that seems to have remained un-affected and I would do anything for them. People who are searching for something beautiful and unselfish just like me.

I don’t always make good choices and I can’t always read a situation, but one thing I am not is a user of any kind. One thing I am not is an unrealistic babbling moron. I love people, and in my silly naïveness I suppose I expect them to love me too. I just let myself care so easily and maybe I can’t do it right, or maybe I’m doing something wrong but at least I care. At least I can say I’ve never met a single person who cared more. So despite all my stupidity and trusting and speculating I at least feel like I’m doing something right.

So I’m having a conversation with a cat. The cat gets me. I can tell.

I’m a good person. I wouldn’t say something just to be mean or hurtful. I wouldn’t be mad at something that made someone I love happy. I just want respect and people to be able to admit that they might have done something wrong. & for people to talk to me when they have an issue or feel awkward. Things are easily resolved.

I love my friends, but I’d like the option to decide what’s good for myself.

"Why ponder life's complexities...

2010-02-08T13:39:00.000-05:00

...When the leather runs smooth
On the passenger seat?"

So once again I am stuck in this class with no internet and therefore no means to entertain myself besides writing a blog I suppose. Nothing really new has happened, so I don’t know quite how this is going to turn out, but I guess it’s better than sitting here falling asleep like everyone else in the class.

Lately has been great. It’s been one week since I last blogged about my new found comfort in my life and I am still riding on that “high”. Everything in the social world of my life right now is perfect. I have the best friends in the world, I’m not having any real financial problems, and I really have decided completely against the idea of dating. I don’t need a boyfriend right now, I am perfectly happy as is and I am not looking forward to messing that up in anyway by throwing some boy into the mix. Now is the time in my life to enjoy things, I need to have my shit together before I have a boyfriend. So there it is, my new policy on dating. Yays. The one thing about my social life right now that has got me down is I feel like there is not enough time in the day to do everything I want to do. I want to see my friends every day, and I see now that with school that is going to be impossible. I’ve been trying my best to get a decent amount of sleep because while I don’t need that much rest to go to work, it’s almost a given that if I get any less than 6 hours of sleep I won’t go to class. And going to class and doing well is my NUMBER ONE priority this semester. I’ve never been a very good student, but I am going to fucking kick myself until I get all A’s.

I’ve never thought that “laziness” was something that you could control. Ever since I was a kid I’ve always had that problem. I can sit there and think about how I need to do something for hours, but for some reason I just can’t get off my ass and do it. And it’s not just that I don’t want to do it, I really just can’t. My brain just completely shuts down until the absolute last second. For example, I started studying for my text today at 7 am this morning. I don’t know why but I feel like it’s totally out of my control. And I know I am not the only one who feels that way…

Yay for me actually following through on my New Year’s resolution! I feel so much better about life right now. Even though I don’t have everything I want, and nothing really turned out the way I thought it would, all that really matters is that I pulled it off. I no longer feel like I have people weighing me down. All the people around me at this moment in life are lifting me up and making me feel great. I hate how obnoxiously happy this blog is… although I am sure my parents will appreciate it. Speaking of my parents, I would really like to visit them at some point. I need to find out when my next break is so that I can go to Greenville. Not that it’s the most hoppin’ place on the planet, but I really miss my mom and especially my dad since I don’t really talk to him on a regular basis. Side note: I think I am having an allergic reaction of some sort! ITCHHHYYY!

I am showing love for all these people. Omar.Matt.Alex.Laura.Jordan.Johno.MattP.Vanessa.
<3 I love you guys.

A New Place in Life.

2010-02-01T14:04:00.001-05:00

The internet doesn’t work in this room, and that is very upsetting. I guess instead of talking to people on facebook this class I’ll have to write a blog instead. Because god knows I just can’t simply pay attention in a class. Honestly, if it wasn’t for my little distractions I’d probably just fall asleep. It takes a very good, and very interesting professor to succeed at the task of keeping me awake. I’m not really quite sure what to focus this blog on. I usually have some sort of inclination before I start writing, but given the circumstance (mostly the fact that I am only blogging to stay awake.) I guess I’ll just kind of go with the flow and write what I am thinking.
Firstly, I think Philosophy is total bullshit. I can’t help it. I am trying to take this seriously, but all the arguments are so weak. For someone who was so well-known for the idea of questioning, people sure didn’t question his thoughts all too often. Especially when they didn’t make a damn drop of sense. I’m still skeptical of the whole idea of a soul in general so I am DEFINITLEY skeptical of the idea that your soul exists with all this knowledge before you are even born. My professor (whose name I have not yet bothered to learn) keeps trying to reassure us that, while the argument for the immortality of the soul is “unimpressive” we can’t throw it away because then the rest of the argument would fall apart. I KNOW. THAT’S MY FUCKING POINT. An argument is only as strong as its weakest point. And it’s pretty fucking weak. So I really don’t comprehend how anyone could eat this shit up like it actually makes any sense.
I guess I’ll stop ranting about philosophy now. That’s probably really boring seeing how I spent the entire last 30 minutes of my last philosophy class writing “stay awake.” Over and over again in my “notes”. This weekend was kind of crazy, and when I say “kind of” I mean it was absolutely IN-FUCKING-SANE. I feel like it was mostly good. The whole group feels tighter now. I think Laura is finally starting to feel like this is actually her home, which is probably the most important thing about this entire weekend. I’m so happy that she is here, and now it feels like she is too! So YAY! I seriously don’t know how I ever lived without these people in my life. It feels like they are my family now, and I don’t know what I would do if I ever lost one of them. I know that matt is thinking about leaving soon, and while that makes me sad, I’m also really happy for him. (this weirdly applies to both matts haha) It feels like everyone around me is getting their shit together and growing up. Not really sure how I fit into that scenario, but I’m also not worried about it right now. Right now, I can honestly say that I am just happy. I am literally just happy all by myself.
I’ve changed so much in the past two years. I went from thinking that my happiness relied completely on the status of my relationship with josh to not really wanting to date anyone at all. It’s so baffling. I’m not even lonely. I think about the people that I am compatible with and while I love to spend time with them the idea of a relationship is completely un-appealing to me. There was a point in my life when I thought people who said they felt that way were spinning some really good bullshit, but now I am ecstatic to say that I am actually one of them. I am one of those people that DOES NOT WANT a relationship. I went from being totally judgmental and self-righteous to being open to practically anything. I never tried to push my morals onto other people but it would be a lie to say that I never judged people because of their actions. And that’s not just talking about things that I consider to be immoral, but also those things that I just thought to be incredibly stupid. I mean my morals still exist and I still think that a lot of things are incredibly stupid, but I’m so much more open in my thought. I think that I was scared that if I tried to understand these things that I rejected and looked down upon in the past that it would change something fundamental about myself. Now I realize that those fundamental things that I love about myself cannot be changed simply by opening my mind. The main thing that rules my thought now is logic and understanding how people think, feel and act. If it makes logical sense or I can understand it through empathy than I see no reason to reject it. I used to lie. I used to pretend the things that made me imperfect didn’t exist. Now I embrace them. Now I am open about them. PAUSE FOR A SECOND TO REINERATE! PHILOSOPHY IS TOTAL BULLSHIT! I seriously wish I could convey the amount of stupid that is bouncing around this classroom.
I really want to start dancing on a regular basis now. I’m trying to find a good time for me a Garrett to get together so that I can finish choreographing Samson. I still need to work all the old choreography that I did to incorporate him in it. If I can get back into the habit of dancing at least two or three days a week it would vastly improve my happiness as well as release a lot of un-needed stress. I’ve been having lots of dreams about dancing, and I keep getting these really good ideas for choreography so I am really antsy to get down to business. It’s also good because I still want to lose weight. I’m trying to get back into some of my good habits from the summer like not drinking soda or eating a lot of dairy or sugars, but it’s hard when I am always on the go and the kitchen is always getting dirty. Which brings me to another thing that I have been trying to do in my life, GET CLEAN. I feel like it is so much easier to concentrate on school work when there isn’t a big mess around me. It hasn’t been so bad lately because we’ve all really been trying to get this mess out, but it’s still not ideal. Something that contributes to this problem a lot is that there are always people over. Something I am trying desperately to put an end to. Especially on weekdays when it’s extremely important for me to get a decent amount of sleep.
Next year (since matt is planning on transferring) I’m fairly certain the plan is becoming that Vanessa, Laura Branan and I move in together. I’m excited about that. It seems like an ideal situation. I’ll miss living with matt, he’s the reason I moved off campus to begin with, but I support anything that he wants to do. Vanessa wants to get a house, so hopefully all that will work out.
I’m about to totally fail a quiz, but apparently it’s only like 2 percent or some shit so I am trying not to get to upset by it. I guess that will wrap this blog up though, I obviously have other things I should be worrying about.

"What's in your backpack?"

2010-01-01T02:31:00.000-05:00

I think that it is kind of stereotypical to write a blog on the new year. But then again I have been thinking a lot of things lately, which is why I am doing it anyway. My horoscope keeps telling me to move forward and to have a positive outlook, and although I know that horoscopes are basically crap and the last time I tried to have a positive outlook I got screwed over, totaled my car, and got yet again “just friend”ed, I think that it’s done me some good to take my cheesy horoscope’s advice. I just keep trying to move forward, try not to wallow, and certainly try my hardest to make the intense agony of having unrequited feelings go away. Which is something that honestly I have never been good at. I feel like I have gone through a string of horribly disappointing crushes this semester and I have decided that all of this stems from being sexually frustrated. I would elaborate, but my mother (among others) reads my blog.

So my one and only resolution for 2010 is,
Say goodbye to the “Jasper”s and the “Ethan”s,
&say hello to the “Mile”s and “Graham”s
(You have to have seen “The Holiday” to fully understand)

I won’t even front this year, talking about how I’d like to get thinner and be in shape, dress nicer, and make new friends. All I want is to ditch the people who are bad for me and embrace those who make things easier. Now that’s not to say that I would ever ditch those people who are in my heart. I can’t, as much as I may wish that I could. But, I may distance myself from situations that I see going bad, something that I have never really done in the past. I want to be able to be honest with myself about situations. I want to have the ability to realize exactly what is going on not only in situations with other people, but also in my own thoughts and emotions.

So I saw “Up in The Air” yesterday, and I thought that it was just fabulous. I loved it. Absolutely LOVED it. Although it was very depressing, it was also extremely realistic. Thinking about it over the past couple of days I’ve come to an interesting conclusion. I think I am going to start approaching everything in life with an even more honest approach. I am going to say everything I want to say, to whomever I want to say it, exactly when I want to say it (excluding talking shit because I don’t do that anymore.) Because too many times it’s easier to be honest when you don’t care about the outcome of the situation. People tend to be more open when there is nothing at stake. I don’t want to live my life walking on eggshells about the things that matter, and being myself about the things that don’t. I don’t see how that can be a recipe for happiness.

This blog could be oh so much longer with just thoughts and revelations I’ve had in the past two days, but I have to work in the morning so I’ll wrap it up.

I’ll leave anyone who takes the time to read this with two things.
-Do things that are good for you and your happiness
&
-Go see “Up in The Air”

Confident in almost every way.

2009-12-18T20:59:00.001-05:00

So I am driving in my car. And honestly everything is gone. I can hear my windshield wipers squeaking obnoxiously against the windshield and I can see everything going by but there are no thoughts in my head at all. And its probably the happiest I’ve been in a week. I love driving.

So how exactly does one work on their self-esteem? I know that I have a problem, I know that it is rooted in the fact that my self-esteem is absolute shit but what exactly am I supposed to do about that? Do you just tell yourself that you are pretty over and over again? Because that doesn’t work. People endlessly hammer into your head that this is something that you have to fix on your own, that you don’t need validation from other people, but how else do I validate myself. I feel so utterly repulsive. I honestly don’t remember a time when I didn’t feel this way. My self-esteem has been beaten down on a regular basis my entire life. I think I make myself vulnerable. I am so confident in my opinions, my personality, even my intellectual flaws, that whenever I hurt someone and they want to hurt me back, or if someone just wants to hurt me, they know exactly where to strike. It’s the one place I leave open for blows, my Achilles’ heel in a manner of speaking. And one bad thing, one tiny joke, feels like getting hit in the chest with a boulder. And then there are those things that people say trying to hurt me, and they hurt twice as much. But worst of all are when people are just being honest and say something critical I feel completely crippled by embarrassment. I just want to cover myself up and hide. I try to combat this, I try to seem confident, I try to look pretty, and I try to make people approve of me so I never have to hurt that way again. I go about things in the absolute wrong way, but I really don’t know how else to go about them. Are there self-esteem lessons I need to take? A dvd I can buy that can explain to me what I should be acting like? No. There is nothing. I am alone in a battle against my repulsive body. And I am seriously losing.

I don’t feel like it’s the holidays at all. No holiday treats, no cheerful music, and most of all, there is basically no joy going around in my circle of friends. I miss matt. I wish I could give Vanessa a girl who REALLY deserved and cared about her. And I wish that I was enough to make someone else happy. It’s not all shitty. I mean after all, it’s still Christmas, and I still love the season. I don’t really have anything else to say. =/ oh well. Goodnight for now.

"My fragile strength is gone."

2009-12-09T04:53:00.001-05:00

I hate hate hate what is happening to me. I’m tired. So exhausted. So alone. I don’t know where to turn or who to trust. Should I do what my body and heart are telling me to do? No, I should know better. Scratch that. I do know better. I’m so tired of people being able to control me. I pretend like I have a hold on the situation, but loneliness is literally driving me to insanity. I have no hold on anything. I don’t have any kind of “the power”, and lets just face it, I never did. Oh the way the people in my life can make me feel insignificant and stupid and not even know that they get to me.

“i never feel like i will be enough.
and i am wasting away in people's perspective of me.
i just want them to look at me again. i am sinking into nothing.
and when i try to pull myself out i just get dragged farther into the cliche of it all.”
I know I wrote that to you, and I know that you will read this, but I couldn’t say it any better than this.

That’s how I feel, and I hate it.

And I still miss you. So much. I just don’t understand the whole thing. What is wrong with me that I am not worth being friends with anymore? And its just the same shit all the time. At least my other male friends can take the pressure. I don’t care. I miss you. I miss you almost everyday. Its been too long…. And its not right. It will never be right.

Besides all that dumb depressing shit, life has its ups and downs. And lately sometimes I am flying, but I’m mostly feeling the lonely. Maybe I will find someone who blows my mind that actually wants and deserves me. I don’t see it happening.

LADY GAGA is super glue for my heart.

2009-11-23T02:16:00.000-05:00

I feel like my brain is ripping in ten thousand directions. I can't think about one thing at a time. All of my thoughts are just in a mess. I just want to dance and cry and laugh and vomit and sing and I don't know what’s going. I keep having to remind myself to breathe. I’m on thought and emotion overload. I CAN NOT think. I almost started to cry but then instead I laughed I stood on my head because I thought it my help and I think it made things worse. I feel like a cracked out on something. I don't even know where to begin on how I feel right now. WHY DOES EVERYTHING ALWAYS HAPPEN AT ONCE LIKE THIS? Trying to make myself calm the fuck down right now. Ten minutes ago it was midnight and now it's two. How did that even happen? I just know I won’t be able to sleep if I don't at least try to get my thoughts out. So here we go.

I am still MEGA fucked up because of you. I realize that now. I don't even know who I am actually talking too right now because this applies to two people. But anyways, to both of them. Wow I am so fucked in the head. I seriously STILL can not look at myself without thinking about the fact that I am fat. I STILL can't believe it when people say I’m pretty. And I automatically think that anyone who actually wants me HAS TO BE crazy because of the things that YOU SAID TO ME. I can't handle the slightest bit of rejection because you made me this way... I thought that I was stronger than this but I’m starting to think I could have been very wrong. I am just trying to get some form of self-esteem back into my life. I know now that it is one of my biggest issues. I SETTLE with things because I don’t think that I deserve the things I really want. And that’s not fair. And who wants damaged goods anyways? Thanks you guys. Fucking awesome.

I FEEL SO TRAPPED. I know that everyone probably thinks this is retarded but not having a car doubles the shittyness of everything. I hate not having a way to escape. I HATE being stuck anywhere. I’m so frustrated that I cannot leave when I want to leave and driving is a mini release for me. The feeling that I get while driving is the closest thing I have to the feeling I get while dancing. And now I have access to neither of them. And I refuse to cry over things not worth it, so I am without release of any kind at the moment, and IT SUCKS! Not to mention I HATE relying on other people for rides. I feel guilty as hell asking for anyone’s help.

On the other side of the spectrum I am happy to not give a shit. And I really don't give a shit the majority of the time. It’s never been so easy for me to control my emotions in my life. ican usually say I don't give a fuck and actually mean it as of late. sometimes feelings slip in and out, but its mostly pure thought which would usually worry me but I’m so over being hurt by people that I really don't give a damn what happens anymore.

And then there is you. You have no idea what I would do to have you.

It’s not fair that I don't get the chance.
That will ALWAYS be in the back of my thoughts.
I’m sorry if that's weird.
I don't think I would be doing any of this. I just wanted to stop caring.
The end.

The Things that keep me up.

2009-10-24T00:49:00.001-04:00

I can’t sleep because I am so on edge. I cannot stop thinking. I wish I could just turn my brain off but it just keeps racing and before I know it my entire body is stiff and I am holding my breath jut so that I can concentrate on thinking. I wish I could make it stop. I wish I could wash these thoughts out of my head. I wish I could compare. I know I never will. It’s all I can think about when everything is still, and sometimes it brings me false happiness but most of the time I just feel worse. I just feel uglier and less cool and more pathetic. Why does this always happen to me? I can’t stop myself from feeling this way. And the things that I think will turn the tables never do. And I get the things that I wanted but I know that they were never the real thing that I wanted. I want one thing and it’s so impossible. So out of reach. I am so invisible. I just want to be seen. And I know that maybe I’m not good enough, but I hate that. I just constantly have to feel like I don’t compare. And to the stupidest people too. What the fuck? Some of the people that I apparently don’t compare to.. well, I know I am better than them. Or I thought I was. Apparently not. Whatever. What the fuck ever. I wish that for once I could get what I really want. Sigh. Okay. I am done.

I wish I could make sense on my blog. But then everything would fall apart. I feel like my sanity is holding everything together. And my sanity just can’t take it. =[

wow. sleepy meds.

2009-10-19T01:19:00.000-04:00

I’m so sick. I’m so sick of this. I am sick of being alone. I am sick of feeling like everything is so hard. I am sick of falling for a string of untouchable guys. I am sick of not understanding what is wrong with me, not being able to understand why I am not good enough. I’m so sick of this.
I try to try, then I try to not try, then I don’t care at all, then I care more than anything. But nothing. They all still tell me to wait. I can’t. Can’t you see I am going crazy? I’m not desperate and I won’t be with just anyone, but everyone I fall for is out of reach. Off limits. I hate this. I hate being alone, but more than that, I hate not being alone but still being alone. I’m ready. I am more than ready. I want you to fall for me. It’s never going to happen. I gave up. I give up. I’m waiting. Waiting for nothing at all. I am so sick of trying and waiting and not trying and caring. What am I supposed to do? How do I get you to look at me?

Still waiting.
Now, wake up.

Starting over &Pancakes from Scratch.

2009-10-12T22:57:00.000-04:00

So hmm. Blog time. Alright well lets start with I am so done with josh. Thankgod. I feel like I am a whole new person and in a totally good way. He was just bringing me further and further down for like the last 2 years that I knew him. I mean god knows that I care about that boy, I really really do. But him, as is, is just a poison in my life. I seriously hope that he gets the help that he needs.

ANYWAYSSSS. So I have just been feeling really weird lately. Everything is changing and I am not really sure how to handle it. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am on birth control, but not taking it would mean bleeding to death. So I think I will be fine just taking it. =] I am really lonely, but I know better than to let that take control of my feelings and actions. At least most of the time. I just want to feel like someone wants me again. But then again I know that I am being picky. I want that feeling again. The feeling when you like someone so much that just a smile can make you feel like the entire inside of your body is on fire. I haven’t felt that in like four years now. It’s getting kind of ridiculous. People keep telling me to wait, but I am so tired of waiting. The truth of all this is even more sucky. Haha. And even though I haven’t been having much of a censor lately there are still some things I do not want to say out loud.

I really got into my last creative writing assignment but as much as I like writing I really hate the people in that class. Well I’ll post my story here. =]

Pancakes From Scratch

The same roach crawls across my fingers every night. I’m convinced that it does it on purpose. Right before I hit that deep sleep but long after I’ve drifted off, I feel its little legs scamper across my fingers and I am jolted awake. I haven’t really slept since we came here. I’m not sure if it’s the extreme lack of pest control or the horrible circumstances we’ve been in, but sleep deprivation is just one more thing added to the list of stuff that I decided to stop caring about weeks ago. Two months ago I would have crapped myself if I even saw a roach in my room, now this is commonplace. I keep a rag next to my bed to wipe the sweat off my face. We don’t have air conditioning anymore.

“Couldn’t sleep?” my mom is sitting in a chair in the corner of my room, her face in her hands. She does this every night.

“Damn bugs.” I respond. She laughs a little at this.

“I’m proud of you. You used to cry every time you saw something that crawled.”

“Yeah well… things are different.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I really am.” I hear the guilt in her voice but I don’t care. Deciding to care would mean being overcome with sorrow, but being mad, being mad makes everything easier. So instead of saying its okay like I really want to I just stare at her from my bed.

“Are you ever going to forgive me Claire?” I can’t even think for a second. I can’t decide between yelling or crying or just going back to sleep. I can’t find even a single word for what I know to be seconds but seems like months.

“You ruined everything. You took everything away from me. We were all fine. We were happy. And now Tracy is gone. Jessica is gone. You are gone. I can’t say I’m sorry that bitch is gone though. I really can’t.”

I lie back down, throw the covers over me, bash a roach with my fist and slam my eyes shut.

* * *

The funeral was on one of those weird days when it’s painfully sunny in the morning but pours down raining in the afternoon. People said this was lucky, lucky that the weather stayed nice for their funeral. I just thought it sucked. Go to your mother and sister’s funeral and it’s sunny, come home, still depressed, and it starts storming. Real lucky. My dad made me hot chocolate when we got home. He used to make it for me all the time when I was little. It’s not as enjoyable when it’s the middle of summer, you have no air-conditioning, and your whole family was just killed in a car accident. I appreciate the effort though. I remember him trying to smile at me from across the table. I’ve never had a smile hurt so much before. My dad and I don’t talk about my mom. When they were together I could tell that he was crazy for her. Mostly because even if she wasn’t making a drop of sense he would take her side, smile at me later and say “We both know your mother is a little crazy. But that’s why we love her, right?” He would have done anything for her. I’m so sure of that.

It’s my sisters that he is always talking about now, Jessica and Tracy. I don’t think that anyone can say that they’ve seen real sorrow unless they’ve seen a parent who’s lost a child, and my dad lost two. Our shitty apartment is a shrine. The most insignificant and honestly just unfortunate pictures are on every surface that you can hang a frame on or stick a push pin into. They are also the only thing that my dad cares about keeping clean anymore. He’s a different person now, but then I guess we both are.

The only time we’ve really talked about the accident was the night it happened. That was the first night that there wasn’t a fight over dinner. The first time I decided not to go and visit mom. She had come to get me and my sisters to take us out to the movies and then dinner. That was the night we were all supposed to meet Sandra, my mom’s girlfriend. I refused. Out of the three of us, I was the angriest with my mom for leaving dad. I hated her. So I didn’t go. I stayed home. I know that my dad thinks it’s a miracle, but now it’s my biggest regret.

* * *

Before this we were normal. Normal in the way that we thought we were different, thought our problems meant something, thought our lives were hard. A year ago my dad lost his job, and that was our biggest problem. He could have gotten another one. He could have worked at another corporate company and we could have remained well-off. Instead he chose to open his own business, a small one-man computer repair business. Basically a hobby. It’s funny because my mom supported him. She wanted him to do what made him happy. But then the money dried up. She couldn’t entertain herself anymore and the relationship that seemed so easy dissolved into something strange. My parents didn’t fight or yell or even really try to express their problems. My mom just slipped further and further into depression while my dad tried desperately to restore her smiles. Then came the day when we finally lost the house. The second worst day of my life.

My dad came into my room, woke me up, broke the news to me about the house and then with tears in his eyes whispered, “Your mom’s not coming with us sweetie. She just needs some time to figure things out. It’s not permanent, okay?” I hated that he was talking to me like a child. I hated that he was pretending I didn’t know what this meant. I wanted to yell at him but I saw the pain in his face, so I lay back down and cried silently.

* * *

It’s been a month since the accident today. Part of me wants to talk about it, but I don’t think my dad is ready. Besides, I haven’t slept and I know I’m not thinking straight. I go downstairs and my dad is pulling waffles out of the toaster. Our new traditional Sunday breakfast. He used to make pancakes from scratch. I guess it’s not worth the effort anymore. I cram two waffles down my throat quickly and then before I can catch the words in my mouth say, “Do you miss mom?” I expected him to look hurt or shocked or sad, but he just looks calm.

“I was wondering when you would be ready to talk about this. Have you forgiven her yet?”

“No. I mean, I don’t know. Have you?”

“Claire, sweetie, you know I loved your mother. You know that I would have done anything for her. But you have to understand, I always knew that she was a wild card. The day we met I knew she was nothing like the woman I imagined I would end up with but everything that I had to have. Every morning that I woke up and she still loved me was a total surprise, and over the years that we were together I learned something about her. I know she felt like she needed out and that she wanted to be with someone else for a while, but your mom’s heart is so deep and so strong that I know she was always really mine. She would have come back Claire. I know she would have.” I don’t know what to do with these words at first. I let them swim around in me for a while and then choose my words carefully.

“I’m sure you’re right dad. I’ll try my best to forgive her. I know she didn’t mean to hurt you.” I mean what I say but there is still something off about the whole thing. My dad’s words made sense but something about them rings untrue.

* * *

My eyes are closed, but I’ve been awake for a while. I’m not ready to open them, not ready to see whether my mom will be sitting in the corner. I hope she will. I’m afraid she won’t be. Right as I decide to open my eyes I hear her voice.

“Claire? Are you awake?”

“Yep.” I respond. “Mom?”

“Yes?”

“If I forgive you, will you go away?”

“I don’t know sweetie.” I think this is what I have been scared of all along. Ever since the first night she appeared in my room I’ve spent every night praying that she’ll be here just one more night. I want to walk over and hug her, tell her how much I miss her, but I know this to be impossible.

“Mom. I forgive you.” I close my eyes and tell myself I’m ready to let her go. I know that she will be gone when I open my eyes, but to my surprise I feel lips press against my forehead followed by my mother’s voice in my ear.

“I loved your father very much. You let him know that. And I love you too Claire. Sweet dreams.” Now I know that she is really gone. I open my eyes and look around my empty room, and for the first time since the accident I cry.

* * *

I didn’t sleep a wink for the rest of the night. I go downstairs early and sit down at the table with my dad. He’s surprised that I’m awake but I know what I need to say to him now.

“Dad, about what you said yesterday, about mom, I know that you are right. I know that mom loved you, and I know that she would have come back. And I am so sorry if you ever felt like she didn’t or she wouldn’t, because even you must have felt that way. She loved us so much dad. She would have come back.” Even as the words leave my mouth I can tell that I am convincing myself. Then I catch the look on my dad’s face. He looks almost happy and for the first time I don’t regret staying with him that night.

My dad decides to make pancakes from scratch. Everything feels a little bit better. Maybe we’ll be normal again soon. Maybe we’ll get to worry about money instead of mourning and maybe we’ll laugh soon. We might even cry over something beside mom, Tracy and Jessica. Two months ago I would never have imagined any of this happening. Two months ago pancakes wouldn’t be a big deal. Today and now all I can think about is what’s happened and pancakes mean everything.

I have a strange heart.

2009-08-17T02:49:00.000-04:00

I’m on the edge. I feel that I might burst into tears at any moment. I have no avenues of action that I can take. I just feel, abandoned.

Back in Columbus. Thank god.

I missed this life dearly. My friends are all exactly as I remembered. Like falling into a soft bed. Easy, comfortable, safe. I missed that feeling so much.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some people back in Augusta who are right up there in the best of my friends, and I am so thankful for them, but here there are no forces working against me anymore. No one hates me here, no one inadvertently affecting my independent friendships. I feel appreciated here. At least most of the time. =]

But unfortunately that’s just not enough. My heart isn’t really taking requests from me right now, and the more I try to shove people out, the harder they come rushing back in every time I let my guard down for two seconds. Thoughts, dreams, conversations, it’s just so hard to let go of things I never questioned about hurting me. It’s easy to let go when you are silently preparing yourself to for months, but not when it’s something that you trusted in, not something like this. And maybe that makes me crazy, or maybe that makes me loyal. I don’t care. I could really give a shit less, I’m not in the habit of lying about how I feel, so if writing this gets a couple of jerks laughing at my expense, than great. Because at least I know how to be honest with myself.

There is nothing holding me back.

2009-08-04T02:31:00.000-04:00

Why do bad things happen to good people? Hey, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I don’t have flaws, because I have many, but seriously? It seems to me that it’s always the person who in actuality is the least guilty who gets dealt the worst shit. Idk. Maybe good people just have a hard time placing the blame on someone else. Just a thought though. I’ve just been seeing a lot of shitty stuff go down lately. It’s not cool to watch…

So my life has been pretty good lately. The last couple of weeks I’ve been pretty happy. I feel kind of complete again. I finally feel like I have some kind of purpose back. A little chunk of the old me to hang on to. It’s like a light turned back on inside of me this summer. I have more faith in love, happiness, and beauty. It’s probably because I was so focused on keeping those things at bay while I was in Columbus that I forgot how good it could feel to be a hopeless romantic. =] Still, my perspective has shifted dramatically since I was in high school. I see myself more as an individual entity, just floating and enjoying the freedom of knowing that I can do whatever I want. It’s awesome to know that the world is at my fingertips, no obligations, no ties, no rules, and still just the person that I am is alright. Just me is enough to complete someone someday, or make a really awesome friend, or convey the fact that I am a moral person. AND THERE IS NOTHING HOLDING ME BACK FROM THE THINGS THAT I WAS AFRIAD I WAS. I am exactly the person that I want to be, in almost everyway, and that feels AMAZING. =]

So this whole situation that everyone is talking to me about. I feel SO OVER IT. Anyways, I am missing a huge piece of whatever shit went down. And if my friendship is worth that little to someone….they must be having some really awesome sex. Haha. Kudos Heather. But seriously, I’m an awesome friend, I would fight till the end for one of my friends. I guess I can’t expect EVERRRYONE to be as awesome as me. That just wouldn’t be fair to the rest of the world. Up until a few days ago I was pretty twisted up about it, mostly because it doesn’t make a damn DROP of sense. Hah. But then I realized, this kid is just delusional. He doesn’t even remember things that came out of his own mouth. I guess I should be feeling sorry for him, too bad I really don’t care if he gets hit by a bus. I guess I could just wait for them to catch up and realized what I realized a year ago. TRUST IS EVERYTHING. WHITE LIES, BULL SHIT. LIES WILL TEAR YOU APART. And despite popular belief, that’s not at all what I want. Because then chances are, I would have to forgive someone, and that’s not my idea of a good time. So really, curiosity is just killing me though, what is it that little old me said that made two of my friends go fucking HOG WILD CRAZY on me. I really never tried to hurt either of them, with anything I said or did, and that’s from the heart. YAY FOR MY CLEAR CONCIENCE.

Alright guys, that’s all for now, look out for a weepy memoir of my summer within the next week! Haha.

Summer of shit ass friends.

2009-07-16T04:20:00.001-04:00

I’m long overdue for a good blogging. I know that it’s been a while, but I’ve really had nothing to say. I don’t know, this summer has been pretty chill. I mean of course I’ll always have a few things that are a little off, but I’ve been pretty A plus in the last little while. I’m still confused as hell about what I want, but I figure that as long as I take my time I won’t make any big mistakes. It’s kind of nice that I mostly have only been having to worry about my friends and not having that much relationship drama. It’s much more subtle, although only slightly less painful. But I don’t really feel like getting into that quite yet. This has been the most summerish summer I have ever had. Going to the lake, roadtrips to the beach, gamenights, chillen on the backporch. Yep, pure summer. Also, I am feeling a lot better about myself in general. I’ve been steadily loosing weight since the beginning of the summer, and plan on continuing to eat healthy and really get back into working out. Hopefully by dancing, but if not its really not that big of a deal. I just hope all of this makes the transition back to Columbus and I can keep my cool. Speaking of Columbus, I really miss my friends there. I mean besides Laura, friends are running thin pretty quick here. I mean I still have a lot of my old friends, but its not the same. I rarely get to spend time with people I used to see everyday, and that’s fine. I didn’t expect them to stay frozen in their lives while I was gone, but it is pretty hard to re-adjust to.

So I finally shut the door on a “friend” I’d been holding onto for a long time. Its really hard for me, I really cared about this guy. People say that we should make-up or whatever, but I don’t really think that I want that disappointment back in my life. I mean we were just friends, but constantly getting let down isn’t exactly the best feeling in the world. I feel so silly for having so much faith in this person. I saw something in him that I thought was great. And I just kept waiting. Waiting for that person that I thought that I knew to finally shine through again. But now, I just don’t think that he was ever there in the first place. Maybe it was wrong of me to have such high expectations, I don’t know, and we can all do shitty bad things, but I just had enough of it. Maybe we’ll really be friends one day, I hope so.

On the subjects of shutting doors on friends, I got one gigantic door slammed on me. It’s probably the shitty thing that happened to me this summer. You know, if I had to pick one. This is someone who I considered to be my best friend, so obviously, it hurts like a bitch. And its one of those fucked up situations where being honest to god truthful about the situation would get a lot of dumb ass people super angry with me. but what the hell? This is my blog and the point is to be honest and try to decipher my feelings through expression, so that’s exactly what I am going to do. Well first of all, I’m really angry. I did nothing wrong, I was literally the only other person who gave a flying fuck about this person, and what do I get for it? I end up the ONLY person that his girlfriend hates? Yeah, it makes no sense. Half the time I just want to drive over there and slap the shit out of this guy. He knows that I care about people, he knows that I care about him, he knows that I had to fight like hell to be his friend when I was with josh, but I’m worth what? A sarcastically bitchy text message. Then the other half of the time I just want to cry. I just want my friend back. Really, that’s all. Too bad that seems to be completely unimportant. I was strong and he’s a child. And now I’ve lost a friend. I wrote him a letter, he probably doesn’t care.

So that’s the big bad in my life right now. I cry about it pretty regularly, but it is the only thing that’s been bugging me this summer so I really don’t have much to complain about. I’m going to the lake tomorrow, so that’s something to look forward to. I should probably try to go back to sleep. I’m trying to get back on a regular sleeping schedule.

ijust..

2009-06-06T00:49:00.000-04:00

i just worte a blog i shouldn't post.

i hate guys.

An obsession with fashion and lookbook.

2009-05-18T05:32:00.000-04:00

i love that the whole jumper thing is coming back. it's so youthful and cute. i want.
simplicity is something i definitly appreciate, you can't always be looking feirce in a hot dress and a pair of heals. It's nice to appreciate your chucks every once in a while.
i love the whole ripped tights look. especially in combination with a cute paterned dress. it's an interesting eye catcher, and easy to do!
anyone skinny enought to pull this off, should. its so hot. i love it.
again, simplicity. and i am loving the high waisted black skirt. it goes well with so much. it's a peice i MUST HAVE soon. =]
jacket please?
grungy. simple. easy to pull. love it.
i'm a total fan of the heart shaped glasses. and of course i dig the youthful dress.
something out of the ordinary. love it.
again with the grunge. this time i am in love with the pants. and lately i have been obsessed with chains.
SHOES. i want them. plus this girl is adorable.
little leather jacket seems to be a must. but this brown is a cute twist on a typical peice that i am in love with. want it!
lace! always so elegant. woven belt is a simple thing i need. and again high waist is making me so happy.

i am in love with this sweater. thats all.
okay, this is just too adorable.
love love love the t-shirt with just leggings. too perfect.

this caught my eye. i like it too much.

okay i am obviously bored, bahah. =]

Old Poetry [shitty.]

2009-05-18T02:27:00.000-04:00

Onto The Sea

Sitting still in a small silent dark room,

You stare at me while I stare back at you.

Comfortable as I was in the womb.

The thought of goodbye is slightly taboo.

The water beneath us rocks us to sleep,

The soft churning motion of contentment.

The thought of water limitlessly deep

Our indefinite silence is lucent.

The end of this world is never in sight.

For I hear only your breath in my ear,

The warmth that I feel through sea of delight,

Keeps us from knowing how long we’ve been here.

Sitting still in a small silent dark room,

Falling asleep seems timeless with you.

The subtle smell of your skin, my perfume.

So onto the sea you and I withdrew.

_______________________________________

Springtime Nightmares

She squeezes her eyes shut.

Lying in the mud she pretends that she is soaring.

The stars surround her.

Pain brings her down.

Lights flicker in the distance

People inside watching their TVs

Covered in sweat,

She feels the cool breeze of the outside rushing past her body.

What a nightmare she thinks

She looks up and is devoured by the skies around her.

She feels so small, so insignificant.

She squeezes her eyes shut once more.

Her stomach aches and she feels the need to vomit.

It is over she thinks,

The sweat dries again.

She thinks of the happy people inside watching their TVs.

She looks at the stars and wonders

"Why am I still lying in the mud?"

________________________________________

I can’t recall the words

My mind is filled with the need to write,

But my heart is too weak to form the words.

My body is aching to dance,

But my feet are to swollen to twirl.

My eyes are pleading to cry,

But my body will not comply

The water is completely drained,

But the reflexes remain.

vomiting on an empty stomach.

Churning and wishing to stop.

Wondering why things matter.

"I need a reason."

2009-02-24T11:09:00.000-05:00

So I am sitting here in class, and I am just really pissed off at myself. I missed the shuttle this morning, and therefore fucked up a quiz I really needed to get an A on. I don't know how I am going to be able to keep hope right now. And I really need it. Uhg. I just need purpose to my life again. Now I just feel like I am floating mindlessly and that does nothing for my drive to get good grades. I need to start practicing my speech today so that I don't fuck that up too. I just need to get myself motivated before I totally screw up my life. uhg. All I really want to do is go to my room and go to sleep. What is wrong with me? I am trying not to get stressed, because I know that always just makes things worse in the long run. I am in need of a good day. I guess I am playing catch up for the fact that I have been pretty happy for the last couple of months. And damn, everything is catching up pretty fast. WHY IS MY LIFE AN EPISODE OF DEGRASSI THIS WEEK? Yeah, I think that pretty much sums it up. Ball sack. I hate my life this week. It doesn't help that I am like hemorrhaging between my legs. Seriously? [She said exasperated towards the heavens.]Lol. I am so retarded right now. Just fuck my life. This blog is retarded. No point at all what so ever. I need some inspiration. I need a reason.

"I am happy to have spent those tears"

2009-02-23T02:47:00.000-05:00

So basically everything just seems to be falling apart right now. I don’t really know what it is but I just feel so alone in everything I do lately. Its like no one understands the way I am at all. All of my friends are just so easy going and free and I guess you could say that they are choosing to live in the moment and I am just the girl to the side with a stick up her ass. I know, or at least I think, No one really thinks or says that, but it still feels that way when I constantly have people patronizing me for being the way that I am. I obviously have reasons for not being as easy going about these things. Yeah, I don’t think it is fun to randomly make-out with people. Kissing means something to me; I mean it genuinely means something. I kiss people I care about, people I am attracted to and am seriously considering being in a relationship with. And I feel like I am the only one that feels that way, which just makes it mind blowingly hard to understand the feelings and actions of others around me. And no, I don’t drink because I have seen first hand the effects that alcohol abuse had on more than one person very close to me, so I am kind of weary of it. That’s not to say that I will never in my life drink, it just means that I am more cautious of it, that I won’t use it when I feel like I have more fun dancing than most of the drunk people at every party I go to. I am not missing out on ANYTHING. I love the way I live my life, so when people pat me on the back and say “good job for you” I feel like don’t know me at all, because if they did they would understand that I don’t want the praise, I don’t want to be treated like I stayed home from a party to take of my sick mom, I want them to know that they don’t have to say anything. And I know that sometimes people just say that “they envy me” or “they wish they could be like me” but I just see one of two things when I look at every person I meet lately either they think I don’t know what I am missing out on [which I hate to break it to you… but I do.] or they hate themselves when they look at me [which they shouldn’t because I have made so many mistakes to get me to where I am now.]

I am glad that I felt something today. I might have cried for a few hours, but at least I know that the old me is still there somewhere. I came out of this situation with two painful bits of knowledge. One that I could hardly admit to myself and could definitely never write, and the other is that I will never escape my true nature of being stupidly loyal and caring and of course that my heart will be broken many more times. I am happy to have spent those tears on discovering that my friends are still close to my heart. I love you all. <3

The Fifth Floor And A Battle of Lifestyles.

2009-02-20T03:14:00.000-05:00

There is a struggle going on inside my head. I don’t think I have ever been more silently and calmly conflicted in my life. I am at a point where things are good. I don’t think I have ever been more content with my life than I am right now. But, I also don’t think I have ever experienced less emotion in my entire life. It’s as if nothing really matters anymore. I love my friends the way I always have, but I have always been used to having friends that were not dependable so I don’t put that much of my emotion into the wellbeing of my friendships. When I think back on my life all I can remember are these burning hot emotions that I have always had for people, and now everything is just fizzling out. Maybe I am just too exhausted. I put too much into caring and now I just can’t take it anymore. I guess I am just tired of being hurt and confused. But somehow I am happy. I am so enthusiastic about being lonely that it’s hard to even believe that I am. But I am, so lonely. I miss some things so much, that at times I just can’t stand to even think about it. I lie in bed some days and just ache to feel half of some of the things that I used to feel. So I am faced with choice between being content and feeling alive. And I honestly don’t know what to do.

The Fifth Floor

The body seems to be very aware

With every second the clock devours

Of things it knows are always there

While seconds last for hours

The heart is playing basket ball

On the court of every limb

The lungs work hard to rise and fall

While they beg the lights to dim

The brain is sprinting somewhere fast

With no destination in mind

The ears creating notes that last

While the body dances blind.

"I pretty much know that I am different."

2009-02-18T02:14:00.000-05:00

So basically I feel somewhat void. I guess it probably has to due with the whole February is the month of love bull shit. All these couples and heartbreaks, and I’m just like shit...I don’t feel anything. I don't know what up with that. I pretty much know that I am different. That all the love and like shit has never come easy for me since all the crap I’ve been through in the past, but I’m sick of not being like everyone else. I'm so tired of being so fucking scared to admit that I like someone and get off my ass and do something about it. I just wish that I had feelings for someone that wasn't josh, or someone as equally frustrating and dishonest. I always just feel like such a moron, like I am not good enough for anyone. I turn myself off of everyone I meet because I am so scared that if I ever find someone I do care about again, they will think that I’m not good enough. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I think that I am not good enough. uhhg. wow I am an idiot.

who drained out all the fun?

2009-01-17T03:19:00.001-05:00

so basically i have alot of things that i have been wanting to blog, and now that my internet is working i guess i can.

first of all i have having a series of incredibly weird dreams lately and i wanted to get them out before they dissapear into the void of where forgetten dreams escape.

dream number 1

i didn't know why and i couldnt explain it but something about the woman in the black and white dress bothered me. and more disturbing was that all i could think about was running a knife across this woman's throat. it was an iresistable urge and i knew there was no stopping it. There was a slightly odd and beautiful woman sitting with me in the resteraunt, and she knew what i was thinking. "i could help you with that." she said casually nodding at the woman in the black and white dress.

"yeah?" i said uninterested. she obviously had no idea what was going through my head.

"i have a way of making things. bodies. dissapear." she said licking her lips. i was a little grossed out, kind of taken aback, but [this being dreamworld] more than happy to take her up on her offer.

i wasnt a killer, i wasn't evil, i just killed people. only people in black and white. and then my twisted little friend ate the remains.

After a while i noticed the bugs crawling back in forth around her eye sockets when we would have a conversation, and when i questioned her she told me that when she was eating the bugs on the body would fly into her eyes.

so thats the dream. needless to say i couldn't get back to sleep that night.

ill post the other dream tomorrow.

Being back at columbus is great i guess. nice to have the freedom agian. even though i am definatly about to run out of money soon. sadly. i miss how things were last semester though. its like now that we're back everyone got all serious about everything. all the fun kind of drained out. i never see matt alex and omar anymore. its kind of stupidly ironic in a way because they said that i would just stop hanging out with them at some point but its really the other way around. i guess its just really frustrating when you feel like your best friends dont even want to hang out with you anymore because they all got girlfriends. and even when i do see them i feel like a fucking fifth wheel. dont get me wrong. i am glad they are happy, but i just wish there was still time for friends. oh well.

whats on my mind.

2008-12-27T02:16:00.000-05:00

so basically i don't know what i want to say. i dont know if i could even write it if i want to, so like my normal self i will put everything in story form.

so you broke her heart, and even though its been so long, it's hard to forget. and maybe it wasn't so much that you broke her heart and more that she broke her own, and maybe it wasn't so much you as it was that you represented all the opportunities that she wasted. but still everything remains the same. there is nothing that she can do to change her wishes, and you appear as the starring character in her dreams more often than any friend should. but she knows she still can't have you.

and well frankly...that sucks. because she wants you, so if you ever should change your mind, let her, well me know. thanks. so yeah thats basically what has been on my mind for the last couple of hours. annoying. i don't really like being the pathetic girl in these situations. oh well. sucks to be me.

blackberry!

2008-12-25T20:54:00.000-05:00

Hey this is pretty tight. I can blog on my phone. So merry christmas to everyone. Mine is going pretty well.

"Shit. It doesn't feel like Christmas anymore."

2008-12-19T04:27:00.000-05:00

so here goes nothing, i think it is time to address a couple of things.

I'm sorry that i am so bad at taking care of you, and i don't mean to hurt you but the honest to god truth is that i told you it was going to be this way and i can't even take care of myself right now let alone another person, so i am sorry but there is nothing more i can do.
i think i have a self loathing problem. i have put on a few pounds since i have been at columbus and now all i see when i look in the mirror is fat and ugly. i used to think that i had a pretty face and an okay body, but now all i see are my imperfections. i thought that this was supposed to get better after high school not worse. about a week ago i started working out approximately every other day, sometimes two days in a row sometimes skipping a couple of days, the point is that i still don't feel like i'm getting anywhere. the thought of going and buying diet pills is constantly in my head and i actually almost threw up the vast amount of sugar cookies i ate today. i am just thankful that i stopped myself and realized what an IDIOT i was being in that delirious moment of my life. it's actually happened a couple of times where i will just find myself starring at the toilet water thinking about all the things that i have eaten and imagining my horrifying reflexion right before i get in the shower. then i just collapse onto the bathroom floor and cry. how can i be so stupid? and now i just feel pathetic and phycotic on top of feeling fat and ugly. and then everyday i feel like my complexion is getting worse and worse. i don't know what is going on that is making me feel this way. maybe i am just PMSing, i am due for my period. i haven't had it in months. the curse of random eating habits.

so i guess you could say that i have two separate groups of friends at school, my freshmen friends and then my not freshmen friends. well lately i have been hanging out with my freshmen friends more, which is totally opposite of how it used to be. thinking about, the exact thing that i didn't want to happen definitely happened. i became friends with three really awesome guys that besides the one very short lived crush on Matt were just really great friends to me and nothing else. it didn't happen exactly how i expected it to, but i knew it was going to. they all went and got themselves girlfriends and now i am the awkward lonely seventh wheel. gay. i guess i am just not in high demand now that they all have their relationships, don't get me wrong, i love that they are all happy, and i am glad that they are all together and that there is no drama, but i just miss hanging out with just them and spending the night at Omar's and watching them smoke hookah and watching dumb butch manly movies. i miss feeling like its okay to fall asleep on Alex or Omar and play with their hair because we were best friends. i just miss when i wasn't the only loser who is single in that group.

so i guess life slams its door on my face again, or more of i slam it shut myself. i don't really know but i feel useless, small, insignificant, and powerless. the human state. i keep getting dressed up with no where to go, no one i am capable of impressing, and no way to change my circumstances. Shit. it doesn't feel like Christmas anymore.

Baby, All i want for christmas is you....

2008-12-17T04:03:00.001-05:00

So lately has been pretty solid. still a little void of emotion, but i still find it to be better than constant agony. Tonight however was wonderful. we had a christmas dinner, and it was me, jamie, michele, matt, kory, and brooke, and i think it was the most fun i've had in a long time. we spent all day cooking and then afterwards we all sat down and talked and ate. It was pretty much great, we felt like a real family.
Despite tonight my selfesteem has really been going down the toilet lately. i don't know what it is, but i just can't seem to make myself feel pretty at all. in fact i dont think that i have ever felt ugly-er in my life. i just look at myself and i hate what i see. maybe its because i have been single for the entire time i've lived in columbus and i can't remember a single guy here showing even the slightest interest in me. am i really that ugly? is my personality really that un-attractive? i guess it may just be because i talk about josh so much. i don't know. but it is kind of a slap in the face if you know what i mean. i started working out alot lately, and i plan on keeping it up, i may also go to that weight loss center on macon road. god i sound desperate. i don't ever remember feeling this ugly.
Well i guess i just gave away the next thing that i was going to say, nothing going on in the guy department, i still dont see anything in anyone. i dont really mind so much though, it is nice not having a crush on a guy. its sad that there are only two guys that i still think of. and one of them is completely platonic.
so basicly life is boring, filled with time spent with friends!

A Letter for You My Love.

2008-11-12T02:23:00.000-05:00

so now it finally all comes together for me, in one large crushing swoop. its like there is a million pounds on my heart. Here i had myself fooled into thinking that i was hurting you. now all i can think about is whether or not it was even real for you at all. i have no doubts to the fact that everything that i ever felt for you was real, and i am quite certain that i can never, and will never stop loving you completely. But now, i question over and over if you ever felt any ounce for me of what i felt for you. you were my everything, i poured my whole life into you, the only person i could see myself staying with for the rest of my life. but i was so wrong, because you are a liar. i feel so stupid, because i knew it everytime you lied to me. i could hear it in your fucking voice, but still i let myself believe that you loved me. that we had something special. yeah fucking right. now every little clue and every little comment makes perfect sense. all the girls who were just "obsessed" with you, i can't believe how blind i let myself become. i am sure, so sure now that everything that i thought might be true, was. so thankyou desiree for opening my eyes with one sentence. thankyou for giving me the strength to see what i already knew was there. and thankyou for showing me that i have the tools to expose the sick and twisted thing that i let myself become a part of. you call me everyday, twice a day, and leave me heart breaking voice-mails,and they break my heart over and over again, and sometimes i wonder why i don't just let us be together like you beg me to everyday, and then i remember, its because you don't really love me! because if you did, you would never have cheated on me, you would never have chosen people over me, you would have come to college with me, you wouldn't have lied to me about things just because you thought that i would be better off not knowing the truth. so don't you ever say i don't love you. you are the dominating thought in every moment of my life. but we are OVER. you are not the man i thought you were. you are a liar. i can't trust you. and i can't be happy with you. i told you that from the beginning. too bad you never listened. so goodbye love, i will miss you terribly, and we will be friends in the end, but right now i am still totally in love with you, and i don't need to be. don't worry, you won't have to tell me we can't be together when i talk to you next, because i won't want to be.

Lack of Color.

2008-11-06T00:27:00.001-05:00

So it’s been what seems like forever since I have blogged or written anything really. The last thing that I wrote in my journal concerned the same worrisome lack of enthusiasm for writing. I don’t know quite what it is, or if its simply just that I am changing or that I hardly feel human anymore. My whole life all my emotions have always seemed to be the most intense things that I have experienced. There was usually some driving force, some driving purpose. But now, nothing. Nothing at all. Just the shell of something that used to be great and terrible in so many ways. It’s hard to decide weather or not I miss it or celebrate its absence. I keep expecting to find something or someone who will make me feel those things again, but so far everyone I meet falls short. And again, I’m not sure if I’m sad or happy about that. I seem to be a void of all passion. I’m drained, and while I’ve never felt healthier, I can’t help but feeling as if I’m partly dead inside. That I’ve lost a huge part of my heart, and I guess I have. My heart has been broken for so long now, that I guess I hardly notice it breaking a little more each day, every time I hear your voice, or see your picture. And it sucks because practically everything reminds me of you. How could it not? You occupied my every thought for years. But now its just a part of the normal, now you just sink into the background, and nothing is worth writing about.

Days still let all the color slip away.
dull shade is becoming friends with my eyes.
All splintering heat is fading from may
The truth now masked by new lies.
what once by vibrance was blind and subdued
By colors was thrilled and ashamed
Is now just a memory to which we allude
Where the lack of new color is blamed.

The Things You Can't Forget.

2008-09-10T02:47:00.000-04:00

sometimes you think that you've let things go, and then, you haven't. so basically i'm not over it, i don't think i'll ever be over it. i try to forgive you, and i try not to hate you, and i only end up hating myself. i'm scared to admit why i let it happen or how i let it happen. i'm scared that it really was my fault. i stumble upon those memories and i feel sick. i think about the stupid things i've lost and i can't contain my grief. i tear up every time, never fails. sometimes, like now, when i'm feeling brave enough with my thoughts i wonder if you'll ever understand what you did to me. Will you ever realize how you altered the very thing i was? or worse...do you already know? I wish i knew that you felt as much pain as i did, but oddly i can tell that you don't. i can feel that you never think of this with much urgency and if you do think of it on a whim, it's probably more disappointment in my lack of enthusiasm than anything. sick. it makes me sick. i want to vomit out the thoughts, the feelings, the disgust.i want to cleanse myself of you. i want to feel normal again. i wish i wanted the things that everyone else wants. i don't want to be afraid of things that other people are excited about.LOOK WHAT YOU FUCKING DID TO ME! and you'll never know. because i can't blame you, somewhere deep down i know you didn't know, that you couldn't have understood what you were doing. I just wanted to be everything that you wanted. i destroyed myself. i can never really blame you because i know that it was my fault. I'm still the same girl, i just ripped myself up inside trying to get the things i wanted.

The Last Time.

2008-09-09T18:23:00.000-04:00

every time i feel like i look cute, it never fails, there is nothing to do.
so here i am looking cute, and i haven't talked to josh in days. i don't know how to feel about this situation. of course the overwhelming feeling i have about it is sadness, as much as everyone wants me to be happy without him, it never fails that i am miserable either way. i miss talking to him when there was no obligation to make him happy, when it was just josh and laura having a conversation and it just happened to be wonderful. Not like now when every time i feel like we are having a real conversation i am so obviously doing something that hurts his feelings. There is no doubt in my mind that me and josh love each other. In fact I'd be willing to wager that i don't know a couple that could love each other more than me and josh love each other. But as a try to breathe deep under this pressure i realize that my love is absolutely incapacitating for my life. I feel like the biggest heartbreak of all is knowing that this has to be the last time he breaks my heart. I wish so badly that i could just go back to the way things used to be, before we even started dating and just live in that happiness again. When i remember some of the days we had i can't even believe that it was really me and josh. Now we just ruin each other, it's like he crawls around inside me pulling at my guts and I'm too scared to cut him out and too strong to let him consume me. I wish that things were easy, i wish i could force myself into liking someone else, but i can't. I try to fit in and be happy and live the normal college life, but all i feel is alone. i hang out with people and sure sometimes i have a great time, but when i go home at night i think of one thing. and maybe that's why i feel like i always need to be doing something, just to avoid the depression that comes from sitting still long enough to think.

i have the sick feeling here in Columbus that no one actually wants to be my friend. I feel like they just put up with me for the sake of putting up with me. i know that its stupid and i am probably wrong, but i can't help thinking it when i am sitting in my room all alone with nothing to do. i want to be well-liked, but i also just want really good friends. i need to learn how to be happy. i am trying really hard.

Patchwork of My Love For You. [that's all that's left of me.]

2008-09-03T12:18:00.000-04:00

i don't know who i am. i don't know what i want to do with my life. i don't know how to be independent. i don't know how to let go of the past. i don't understand my emotions. Things aren't easy anymore. everything is different. everything has been changing since the beginning of the summer, and i am just now beginning to understand that it's all about me. I've been blaming everything that has been happening on the people around me. i couldn't understand why nothing seemed to be going my way, why my timing always seemed to be off, then i woke up and realized it's me. i am the common variable, it must be me. i haven't functioned without a boyfriend for six years. i matured and grew up with a crutch, i formed around a piece of me that wasn't really me, and now i am weak and dependant on others. I don't know who i am. i can't handle the fear of being lonely, and my fear is holding me back. It's impossible for me to really give myself to someone, because i am not whole or complete. i have so much more to learn before i can ever really have something good. if i could have one wish, it would be that i was perfect and strong and moral like i pretend to be, and that the love that i felt would make happy instead of shredding me apart from the inside out. I realize that i have no love for myself, and my happiness is placed in loving others. Its the reason i care so much about people, the reason i get hurt so often and so badly by things that would not phase a normal person. I am the opposite of what i pretend to be. i pretend to be strong, but i cave on everything that truly makes me happy. i pretend to be a bitch, but i care about people more than anyone i have ever met. I pretend to be moral, but i am easier seduced by love and affection than by a gun to the head. i am a walking contradiction. i hope that you can all still bare to love me.

college is good. I've made a few friends that are really awesome, but still i am lonely and unhappy the majority of the time that i am here, which is mostly due to the fact that i am trying not to do things that have made me happy in the past. i miss my job, i miss my friends, and i miss my love. i don't know what is going to happen in this next chapter of my life, i hope that it will be something fantastic, but it remains dull in this moment. i will try to blog more often. i have just been extremely busy sleeping. and now it is time for class.

I Had Some Pasta.

2008-08-19T01:31:00.000-04:00

so i think that this is my third day in my new home and my new life. it's been pretty okay so far despite my complete lack of making friends. It's funny how i always feel like i can somehow be this little social butterfly in new situations but i always end up being that shy girl who doesn't want to do anything by herself. i hope that when classes start it will be easier for me to meet people so i wont have to bother my sister anymore. i know that she doesn't really care, but i still don't want to get in the way of her life. My room is super cute, i am really glad that i went with the somewhat boyish bed set because anything else i don't think would have really suited me as well. i have to get used to sleeping in the twin sized bed...i keep shifting and hitting my head on the side table, which makes for some really awful migraines in the morning, especially in combination with my attempt to give up diet coke. All part of my plan to become healthy and stay skinny. hopefully i can keep to my new lemonade and orange juice diet. =] All of my room mates and suite mates are really nice, i'm glad that none of them are gross or anything unfortunate like that. It really makes living so far away from all my friends better when i have a nice place to go and just chill out. I don't think that josh is handling the idea of my room mate very well though. i am just trying to give him time so that maybe he will stop blaming me for that fact that we are separated. i hope that he realizes how much i miss him and maybe decides to be civil. =/ I'm really worried about making a good impression on everyone. i think it would be easier if i already had some really good friends here which is why i am so disappointed that jeff and mickey aren't here with me. it would be so much easier if they were here. Actually, i finally made my decision when i thought jeff was going to be here, i can't imagine anything better. too bad.

still anticipating the twilight movie, and as time goes on the more ridiculously obsessed i become with robert pattinson. I GIVE UP ON MEN, except for him. starting to look into all the movies that are coming out soon and of them i really want to see "The Women" and "My Bestfriend's Girl" they both look like they are going to be really good, plus i have seen the play version of "The Women" and i really enjoyed it. so September 12th. i can not wait. another can't wait situation....HARRY FUCKING POTTER. i mean come on....it's going to be amazing. It's very sad to think that after this there are two more movies [the two movies of book seven] and then all the Harry potter things to go crazy about are completely over. I don't know what i'll do when that day comes, beside maybe submerge myself into some very comforting Remus lupin songs!

i purchased a Chi-tah at the mall yesterday and i LOVE IT. it is absolutely fabulous. i was worried that the purchase wasn't worth it, but it most certainly was. i also had my first encounter with playto's closet, and i am in love. Maybe now that i am at school i will start to wear my heals more often...that definitely sounds like another goal to shoot for.

so far that's

-give up coke

-eat healthy

-wear heals

-always look nice

-keep good grades

hopefully i will be able to pull it off.

The End of Disgusta.

2008-08-16T00:19:00.001-04:00

so i guess that i am just a huge bitch. and guess what? i really don't care. i feel like that being honest with myself is better than anything else that i can do. i am sorry if people can't handle it when i am honest with them, but i find it extremely hard to just let people think what they want to think when it comes to me. i guess that's why i have a hard time getting along with people who seem hell bent on analyzing me. the only person who has any right to analyze me...is me. so tonight is my last night home, and i just really wish that i had more time. i feel like I'm finally feeling strong in myself again, just in time to leave and let it all go to waste. The whole summer i have been insecure because of certain things, and now that i finally can face them i'm leaving, and i'll never know if i was right in what i predicted. that is just so frustrating. i know that once i get to Columbus it wont bother me anymore and i'll find new things to worry about, but it just feels like there are so many loose ends that i am leaving. and doesn't that just give you like bad chi to move on with your life with so many things unresolved. that just can't be healthy. i feel like any new feelings will be built on hollow ground and just sink into nothing. who knows...maybe i'm wrong and it will just kind of tilt like the tower of pisa and become some beautiful wonder. i certainly hope so, it would be a nice change of pace for my life. i hope that my roommate likes me and is at least tolerable, she seemed nice enough on the phone. It's weird to think that after today this will no longer be my home. i wont be able to just go over to any of my friends house and visit them. i've never moved in my life so i guess it's going to be kind of a big adjustment.

i think i am going to start making lists of all the movies that are coming out that i want to see since i wont know what's coming out anymore, at least that way i can keep up with all the good ones until next summer when i hope to go back to the theatre. That job could be a drag sometimes, but i really enjoyed it while i was there, i don't think i'll ever find any friends that are better than the ones that i met while i was working there. Most people don't understand how it is to work there, it seems like it sucks your soul out, but really the people there just become your friends, alot like when you go to school. i don't want to lose the friends i made. since i'm not auditioning the first semester i think that i will only wait about a month before i try to get a job so that i will actually have some spending money. i'm tired so peace.

Empty Disappointment vs. Dazzling Love Story.

2008-08-14T01:03:00.000-04:00

so here i am watching my absolute favorite movie, Pride and Prejudice. which only makes me face the fact that i am overly obsessed with romance, something that i seem to be just a little bit embarrassed about. but still from twilight to pride and prejudice romance seems to captivate me more than anything else. maybe this s the reason that i seem to get so lost in my relationships, searching so desperately to find what all these fictional characters seem to stumble upon so easily. how i would love to be Bella,and have myself a gorgeous Edward. I'm trying rather hard to ignore these strange impulses to fall in love, and focus only on things that are real and true. perhaps i let myself get caught up so wildly in my internal novel that i forget myself and the things that i truly want. i look down so many paths of extravagant things that could happen with every action i make in my life. sometimes i wish that i could rip myself into a million pieces and just let them follow every little fantasy that ever comes into my insanely creative mind. i feel like a million different little people living inside one body and dying to all follow their own little plans for my life. it's all a matter of focusing on the things that actually make sense in my life and sticking to them, no matter how tempting all the little story lines i cross may seem. i just cant seem to resist a good love story in the making. i just keep mentally slapping myself in the face until i forget about whatever charming boy caught my eye. it's the little things that make the story great that temp me the most. my life is destined to be an empty disappointment or a dazzling love story, I'll hope for the latter.

in other news, i think that i would like to work at a video store while i am in college, kind of like a suncoast or something like that. i think i would truly enjoy that. i absolutely loved working at the theatre and i think that i would enjoy working at a video store just as much, if not more. It was josh's idea, and i actually think it's a pretty damn good one. i feel like i just dont have enough time to hang out with all the people that i want to before i leave. its making me rather sad.

The Leaving Effect.

2008-08-12T03:34:00.000-04:00

going away to college has a way of taking incredibly strained relationships and making them seem perfect again. i guess its that whole feeling that once i have left and lived somewhere else it's probably impossible that the relationship will ever be the same again. i hung out with Joshua today, and despite everything that has gone wrong in our relationship it felt just like it did two and a half years ago when everything was still good and he still told me how pretty i was. i was slightly baffled by just how adoring he seemed this afternoon, but then i realized he must feel like this is the last chance that he will have to spend time with me. i guess i didn't realize the affect that ripping yourself away from people could have. all of a sudden people who otherwise had no interest in seeing me are lining up to hang out. i don't know whether i should take this as a good or bad thing, its like a funeral of Laura how she is. i wonder what they expect to come back at Christmas...creepy zombie Laura? ha ha. i giggle at my own thoughts. i feel like i will be the same, but i probably will change, i always do. i guess its hard to keep up with a girl who is constantly changing, maybe that is why i can't seem to hold onto a person. so then why do i let myself become so attached to people. wouldn't it just be easier for a person like me to just be alone? but then i guess i am kind of defined by the way i attach myself to people. the way i seem to bond to certain people, and no matter what happens, i just can't seem to let go of them.

free time is a baffling concept to me, and also quite addictive. for the past couple of days i haven't been doing anything, it's actually pretty damn nice to not have to worry about anything. but now i seem to be completely against anything that interrupts that free time, which i guess could end up being a very bad thing. i should snap out of this before i end up getting too addicted to the bum lifestyle and flunk out of college. i guess I'm just being silly now, but i really don't want to be one of those people who is inconvenienced by normal everyday things.

Taking myself too seriously

2008-08-10T23:19:00.001-04:00

today was the lake. i feel a little bit prettier because i actually have a slight tan. i never thought that something that i always thought was so stupid would make me feel better about myself...but it did. I'm getting tired of the way that my life seems utterly pointless. i just feel like that girl that is sometimes in the group of people. i am not really particularly important to any one person. i realize that, and i just feel kind of silly. like i am taking myself too seriously, because no one else really seems to be taking me seriously at all. so maybe i am just not worth it? i think that is the general consensus.i don't know how to fix my life, to make it feel like it is worth something... i don't know what to write. when i fall asleep, i still think of you, and i know that will never make living worth it, so why? why does this still plague me? why do i let it? i feel like i will never find anything that makes this special. I'll never be inspired the way i want to be. all i'll only ever be able to write about how i longed for something to make all of this worthwhile, and came out empty handed. i find nothing that makes any of this life seem worth it. i generally just float in contentment. and where the hell is that getting me? besides in front of a keyboard with nothing to type. why does life just turn up disappointment after disappointment?

twilight the movie....something that i am very excited about. i just love the story of twilight. it may seem silly, but it just gives you the best feeling about never ending love, even for someone as cynical as me. i envy the stupid character with her gorgeous vampire boyfriend. how sick is that? i envy a book character. i cant decide whether it is her hot boyfriend i am jealous of, or her completely certain purpose in life. either way, i am completely enthralled with the series, its kind of sick.

officially an adult

2008-08-10T02:01:00.000-04:00

so i got my haircut a few days ago. i went into the salon thinking that i would just get a trim like always but before i knew it i was telling the lady to chop all my hair off? i was surprised at myself, and as i watched all my pretty hair fall to the floor, i felt a little bit better. Laura B. said i must really be done with a guy because that's what girls do when they are really over a guy that they were serious about. But in actuality, i think i am just over this stage in my life. i am over so many things at once i find it hard to breathe when i think about it. how did i ever live with all that pressure in the first place? short hair. odd.

today, or i guess yesterday was my 18Th birthday. i am an adult. that's great i guess. i am moving out on Friday and leaving all this behind and it really just makes me want to lash out and do all the things that i have ever thought about doing, which is actually kind of unnerving in a way. i just want something to happen that will make me feel like life is worth something again. something that takes my breath away, and reminds me that these things don't just happen in books or movies. i miss falling in love, or actually having the concept of a happily ever after in my future. i am so sick of being stuck in the relationship where everything i do that really makes me feel alive is treated as a crime, and the only way to be with the person i love more than anything is to constantly hurt and disappoint them for nothing more than being myself. and really...what else am i capable of doing? it used to be so easy with us, but now its like the shadow of happiness is flickering underneath the constant disappointment of a ticking clock. there is nothing i can do to salvage that happiness, but nothing i can do to sever the attachment either. "it's never bad enough to just leave or give up, but it's never good enough to feel right." so here i am in life limbo, waiting endlessly for the overwhelming love to save my relationship, or the overwhelming strength to release me. neither of which i am expecting anytime soon.

a dream i had:

and anger was overflowing from every part of my body, i couldn't breathe, i couldn't scream, i couldn't yell. i stood in front of you and held my breathe and just wished that you could see what you were doing to me with your anger, and as we stood there our anger boiling over the seconds ticked by and they seemed like hours, i couldn't stand the way i loved you, i couldn't stand the way you didn't want me, and now, you were angry with me? i had to scream, i wanted to scream, and i let it fill me up and opened my mouth to release my pain on you, but before it could pass my throat your lips surrounded me, and i was drowning. you were kissing me, and it wouldn't stop or let up or end. it just kept going, and numbing my brain and my pain, and i just couldn't stop, or let you stop, because it being over, would mean saying something, it would mean all the pain rushing back in twice the amount, i couldn't let that happen, so i just would simply never stop. in this moment you were swallowing my pain, and i yours. and we just couldn't stop.

It's weird how I've never been the unsure girl, but here i am. completely unsure of myself. maybe i have always been unsure of myself. who knows? it was always so easy to be the one with the strong morals, but then that wasn't even really me was it? i guess pretending to be sure of myself was just always part of who i was, but when it comes down to it, i really have no clue. its like nothing fits me.

The day i dressed up for you.

2008-08-08T02:07:00.000-04:00

[some crazy scenario i dreamt up]

it was a week day. i worked all day, and when i was home i had a surprising idea. i wanted to be pretty. i wanted to look flawless. i wanted to be mysterious. i wanted to seem seductive. i wanted to seem vulnerable. but above all i wanted to do all these things with your face in the back of my head. what? what was going on? i had never felt the need to prove any of these things before. for you they always fell into place, leaving me nothing to do with the exception of be adored, something that i love all too much. the fact that i was baffled meant nothing, i followed my strange instincts and did my hair the best way possible, spend thirty minutes on my make-up and spent an hour changing pants to make the perfect outfit. how strange. strange that i would still feel like somehow this was not good enough. good enough for you. it was this day, this night that i dressed up for you. i lay my heart down in front of you. oddly, because no part of me loved you or wanted you. i craved you. so i must have you. i went to where you would be, but you were gone. this was it wasn't it? the reason for my appetite. everything was so out of place with you today. sending me over the edge into desperation. odd. i stood there where you should be, looking pretty, and then i fell in love with you.

The purpose of a blog.

2008-08-08T00:03:00.001-04:00

see the thing about blogging...why?
so basically i am Laura. i think that the name Laura is pretty lame, so call me starblast. My life is ridiculous and i have the worst timing in the world. my thoughts take on the mask of a novel, and no matter how much i fight it i always feel like the main character in my own book.
i am not a good writer, and definitely not stupid enough to think i am, but still writing is my favorite thing in the world.
so why?
well because my sister's blog spot is pretty damn cute, i wanted one. Of course as the youngest of three, i get what i want. always. so here i am, a new instrument to support my crappy writing. so of course the next plausible thing to do is to say a little about myself, why not?
like i said, i am Laura,
i just recently graduated from high school and am about to move out and go to college. excited? no. why? i have no idea. i seem to be generally apathetic, although some times i am overly caring. i hate being in love, but it seems impossible to escape. i haven't been single since before i started high school. for someone who loves writing, surprisingly i don't read much. i find that comforting knowing how obsessed i get when i actually find something i do want to read. i have absolutely no idea what i want to do with my life, with the exception of knowing that i would love to write a novel, as impossibly out of reach as that seems. i have no respect for punctuation dammit! and i love the sound of a talented speaker making flawless use of curse words. This moment i have three active journals. A character journal, in which i write relentlessly about a few real people i find absolutely intriguing. A small go everywhere journal, in which i write mostly about myself and how i feel. and finally a big crazy journal where i write various things that range from people's morning routines to viciously bashing people's lifestyles. i think that covers a little bit of background information on myself. i will now spell check this shit.